Wednesday, December 11, 2013

BlueSky responds: Is It Time to Date Again?

BlueSky writes on the WoN Forum:

I can relate to that anxious feeling...  I don't think anyone here wants to go through another narcissistic relationship. It hurts too much.  But the only way to ensure we don't get into another one is to isolate ourselves from all new people.  

It's not much of a way to live.

Maybe the first narcissistic relationship is the worst. Maybe there is something to the idea that since we've been through it before, we'll be able to get through it faster the next time, if there is a next time. There may not be.  I try not to be hyper-vigilant but sometimes catch myself at it.  All of life is full of risks! We cannot get away from it.  We could accidentally step out in front of a Mack truck tomorrow and that would be the end of us. 

I was talking to my psychologist about taking relationship risks earlier this week. About all he could tell me was to enjoy the good moments when they come along - if things work out with that person, they work out, if they don't, they don't.  

From a young age, I was in the mode of wanting to control the outcome of things when I was taking what I thought was a risky step.  I used to worry so much about doing the wrong thing, getting hurt in some way or doing something that ended up hurting someone else.  But we have no control over the outcome.  We never know for sure how our actions or words are going to affect ourselves, affect someone else, or how others will interpret our actions and words.  

I think we have to find a way to accept that we don't know what will happen next - good or bad.   And, since about 2005, what I remind myself of is that the unpleasant things in life teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and others and that if we learn these lessons, we end up being better for it.  It's hard to explain how I got there, but I decided that even though there had been so much damage and hurt from being with him, if someone gave me the chance to go back and avoid him, I wouldn't take it.  I'd learned too much from it and valued what I had learned.  (I know that many here likely would take that chance - and that's cool.)   

I recently saw the movie "About Time"' and it was a kind of cute but rather muddled movie. It was about a guy who discovers he can go back and relive bad moments and alter the outcome so that life would always be good and conflict-free.  I'm not sure the movie was really aiming at what I ended up thinking about ; but I did think about how the guy in the movie, by making everything all puppies and rainbows, was depriving the people around him of the normal obstacles and pitfalls we all encounter.  I believe we need them.  

OK - yes, maybe we don't really NEED narcissists in our lives....but please don't let that narc in your past get in the way of the possibility of experiencing and enjoying good things that come your way.  The only way to find out if your new relationship is a good one or not, is to go ahead and experience it. 

Original WoN Thread: I Messed Up posted by gareth