Shortly after my divorce I dated a professional sports player.
When it first started I thought of him as a nice distraction. Well, being WHO he was and all, that bothered him. He could not figure me out and that made me attractive. Also I had no clue WHO he was when I met him and treated him the way I would treat anyone.
So of course he turned on the charm and I, not at all being healed, got sucked right in. It was like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I slept with him on the first date. Like I said I wasn't thinking of him as long term and just wanted to have fun. Well he worked overtime to change that.
He put the whole love thing into play and guess what?? Before long I was just a glorified "Booty Call". He would tell me during the season that he was really busy and that he didn't have a lot of time to see me. He would call at 1:00 am and ask to come over!! And my dumb ass would let him!!! He wouldn't even spend the night! When I would pull away from him, he would make some pathetic gesture and I would fall right back into the same old pattern. He cheated on me up one side and down the other. Oh did I mention that he gave me a sexually transmitted disease? Then he lied about it and I believed him and took him back!
One night he stood me up for a date and I went to his house and watched another woman coming out at 2:00 in the morning! He stood me up on my Birthday and when he finally called he gave a lame apology and asked me to come over and I did!!! Dressed to the Nines in a beautiful dress. All we did when I got there was have sex. He didn't even have a birthday present for me. Maybe he thought he was the present. I would not be surprised.
This continued off and on for THREE years!
I did not love myself at that time. I was still broken inside and did not know what I deserved. Long story short, it was such a horrible experience that I cut him off and refused to see him. He continued to call me for 2 years but I held my ground and moved on with my life.
After that "relationship" I stopped dating men and began to date myself. I realized that I needed to love myself If I was ever going to attract someone who would love me the way I desperately wanted to be loved.
I can still remember falling on my knee's and begging God to help me love myself. I began to listen to the way I spoke to myself. I began to listen to how I punished and degraded myself. No one else had to do that for me. I was already abusing myself. They were just mirroring how I felt about ME!
One by one I began the difficult task of changing my thoughts. Something that helped me: When I would begin to punish myself for my latest mistake, I would ask myself, "If a friend came to me with the same situation I am involved in, how would I treat them? What would I do or say to them?" Most of the time the answer was that I would be understanding and compassionate. I began to understand that I needed to treat MYSELF the way that I treated others.
Over time it changed me. Today I love and value myself. I would never compromise myself in the ways I have in the past. It wouldn't even occur to me to allow the kind of treatment I put up with for all those years. I look back and feel so much compassion for the person that I was. I had no idea how wonderful I was.
I look around me and I see that for some, what I had to learn seems to be common sense. For me it was not. I was empty and just wanted to feel full. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved more than anything else in life!
I have learned one simple truth. "I can only receive as much love as I am prepared to receive. I can only give as much love as I have to give and I must love myself before another can love me." ~Deepak Chopra: The Path to Love.
My past remains the same and I am grateful for every SCREWED UP, HAIR BRAINED, STUPID, decision that I ever made and GIRL???? I MADE SOME WHOPPERS!!! I have had my "hooker moments" as I love to refer to them as! lol
You are okay! You are worthy! You are loved! If you can't believe what I am saying to you; then just believe that I believe. I will hold the thought of your goodness in my heart until you are ready to accept it!
Love to my WoN Sisters!