Sunday, February 13, 2011

Narcissism Resource Page

"I had been hanging onto the coffin of my marriage, following the hearse, and protesting every shovel of dirt thrown on top. My death grip on my illusion had to be released." ~WoN member
by Carl Vogel
"A narcissist can be hard to identify, in part because he is likely to be much more fascinating than you would expect for someone so self-absorbed, and in part because you wouldn't think someone with such self-regard could be so defensive and needy."

by Emily Yoffe
"[NPD] it is a pathological condition but one that uniquely causes "pain and duress" not to the sufferers but to those closest to them. Psychologist Allan N. Schore, an associate clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA says NPD can be summed up as, "Contempt of other people and their emotions." People with NPD are convinced there is nothing wrong with them; it's everyone around them who is impossible or crazy."

by Joanna Ashmun
"Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits, but being conceited, argumentative, or selfish sometimes (or even all the time) doesn't amount to a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling, and behavior in many different situations. The traits on this page will seem peculiar or disturbing when someone acts this way -- i.e., you will know that something is not right, and contact with narcissists may make you feel bad about yourself."

by Sharon C. Ekleberry
"Within relationships, individuals with NPD expect admiring deference, have a noncontingent love of self, and take presumptive control of others. They often behave with contempt toward those with whom they are involved. They see their own achievements in grandiose and inflated terms while devaluing the contributions of others. At the same time, these individuals have an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored. When their superior position is challenged or their lack of perfection is demonstrated, their self-concept may, for a while, degrade to severe self-criticism (or they may engage in an outburst of rage). Without effective penetration of their defenses, however, individuals with NPD are pleased with themselves and expect to be noticed and acknowledged as special."

by Yvonne Roberts
"Claire is 47, a mother of two, and recently divorced. Her ex-husband, Dan, 58, was a successful businessman when they met 12 years ago. “By the time we separated,” she says, “I no longer knew what was true and what was a lie. I was emotionally battered, my confidence was in shreds, and I felt the person I had once been had somehow been sucked out of me by Dan’s bullying and manipulation.”

by Foster and Shrira
“One thing that we know about narcissists is that they are not communally oriented. They're all about themselves… And we suspect that many—if not most—people who say that they're awesome really think that they're awesome, even deep down inside.” 


by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.
“Narcissistic Personality - a pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.


by Samuel Lopez de Victoria

"A narcissist is a completely self-absorbed person. There can be no other gods in an extreme narcissist’s world, regardless if they say they believe in God or not. In practical terms, a narcissist is God in his/her own imagination. Ego rules supremely in the narcissist’s life. In light of this, what energizes a narcissist is whatever fuels the ego. Ego loves pleasure and gain. In most cases, these can come from one of two ways of feeding the ego. One way is through aggrandizement, which means “to make bigger.” Ultimately, the extreme narcissist feels he/she is most special and, therefore, entitled. To the extreme narcissist, people are actually things to use."

by Linda Martinez-Lewi
"...narcissistic emptiness in many ways drives the narcissist's obsessive greed. Unconsciously feeling emotionally empty and unworthwhile, the narcissist is psychologically hungry for the narcissistic supplies that he voraciously needs. This includes finding and even possessing individuals who will adore and mirror him perfectly. Narcissists do not change. This is a very fixed personality disorder. Narcissistic greed will persist as long as the current society continues to reward pathological narcissism as it so handsomely does in our current societal climate."

by Dr. Maria Hsia Chang
"More than to lure people into her web, the narcissist’s charming social mask also conceals the false self from scrutiny. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and lying. In effect, the narcissist is a consummate pathological liar, i.e., she habitually lies, even about seemingly trivial, inconsequential matters."

by Bruce Stevens
 "In classical mythology the serpent Hydra had nine heads. Every time Heracles cut off a head two new heads appeared. In a similar way narcissism may be seen as one disorder but with nine different types: Craver, Special Lover, Martyr, Rescuer, Rager, Trickster, Body Shaper, Power Broker, and Fantasy Maker."

Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders
"Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of high visibility or power—particularly in the so-called helping professions (medicine, education, and the ministry)—often do great harm to others. In recent years a number of books and articles have been published within the religious, medical, and business communities regarding the problems caused by professionals with NPD. One psychiatrist noted in a lecture on substance abuse among physicians that NPD is one of the three most common psychiatric diagnoses among physicians in court-mandated substance abuse programs. A psychologist who serves as a consultant in the evaluation of seminary students and ordained clergy has remarked that the proportion of narcissists in the clergy has risen dramatically since the 1960s. Researchers in the field of business organization and management styles have compiled data on the human and economic costs of executives with undiagnosed NPD."


Bruce Gregory

"Unless one has the experience of dealing with narcissism, it is difficult to appreciate how strong a force drives the grandiosity of the narcissism. Remember the phrases, "I am the greatest; I am all powerful; the space is mine; it belongs to me; only what I want matters." Furthermore, since narcissism is ruled by "black and white" thinking, it is great, or it is nothing, and therefore a failure. There is no space for collaboration, for becoming or for emergence of a process.


"There are many other examples in history to examine processes involving narcissism and its forces. We can look to family systems and the treatment of addicts if we choose to look at narcissism up close and personal. Wherever we look, however, we find a formidable force that needs to be understood and respected. Good will and motivations to serve the common good need to be complemented by education about processes that interfere with change and transformation.


"We now find ourselves at a juncture in history where evolutionary transformation is inevitable. The more information and preparation we have to deal with narcissistic forces, the more able we will be able to remain aligned with transformational processes as they unfold."





20 comments:

  1. This is very, very helpful. It makes it so much easier to understand with all the different "voices" on this page. I believe this site may help me make peace with the damage that has been done to me.

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    1. I hope we can help you, anonymous! We've organized the topics that have come up on our website when discussing narcissism and healing. After several years of discussions, we have a fairly good sense of the healing process; and also the questions people need answered.

      Never hesitate asking questions by posting a comment. Or better yet, join our message board: webofnarcissism.com

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  2. Oddly enough, some Narcs are able to fake empathy especially if they have an audience. They have a propensity for emulating other's acts of empathy if it serves to make them look like the good guy. Remember the storybook princess who was always 'as Good as she was Beautiful'?
    I would like to see an article or answer on this ability to mirror and copy, as they are socially clueless and fail to pick up on verbal hints, but plagiarize your kind gestures and/or creative ideas without shame or explanation and then boast on it.

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    1. You are so right! Narcissists are able to empathize but not in the way we'd like them to. They use a form of 'cold empathy' that is a cognitive understanding of the way other people feel. If they didn't know how we felt, they wouldn't know how we'd react (and then they couldn't manipulate us as well).

      The ability to mirror and mimic...interesting topic, anonymous. As long as everyone else plays along with their script, they might be able to get away with it. AS soon as a heartfelt response is required though, they trip themselves up!

      Have you ever had the narcissist ask you how "YOU" would respond? They aren't very good at 'impromptu answers' when they've been pretending to be someone they aren't.

      Did the narcissist plagiarize your idea and then boast about stealing it from you? Did his/her audience approve? That's one of the problems we're facing today---social acceptance of lousy behavior.

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  3. I was involved with a very sucessful physician woman for a year and a half. INITIALLY , I was not attracted to her as she was not my physical type, and she was hypersensitive to any percieved rejection on my part. After showing me ber sports car while sitting in it and talking in a parking lot after lunch. She suddenly became angry and drove me back to my car and spit gravel flying out of the parking lot (first big red flag) !
    I FELT BADLY , and phoned to see if she was O .K. and to apologize for unintentionally hurting her feelings. She cried and said that she thought I would be able to see through her body type (pear shaped).... and see who she was on the inside.
    She appeared to be so vulnerable and it touched my heart, as I Just thought she needed love. I told her that I hoped we could start out as friends and get to know each other and see what happens. She said if we can NEVER be more than friends, then that wouldn't be COOL. ( second red flag ) !
    We went out to dinner at a fancy restuarant and she wined and dined me..... we had a wonderful evening, after which I felt that maybe we could become more than friends. That was the beginning of a whirlwind romance where I thought she was theone for me..... finally at 52 years old, the universe had been kind to me and to her. It ended as a horrible nightmare. I starting to feel a little better through counseling, family, and friendship. I HAVE PROBABLY read 25 psychology books, beginning with The Jekyl and Hyde Syndrome. I JUST discovered this sight and I don't know where my comments end up, orwho may bedeaxing them, but it helps to put my storyinto words. Thank you !

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    1. You are welcome, anonymous. Glad you feel comfortable putting your story on this site. This website is actually a blog for our message board: WebOfNarcissism.com. You can join our message board if you want to talk about your relationship with fellow 'survivors'.

      Yelling at you and spitting gravel was the first Red Flag, you're absolutely right! Narcissists do things that go beyond normal but if we don't know very much about pathology, we assume their over-reacting a little bit. Or maybe they had a bad day. Or perhaps they just need some love and then they'll be NICE people we can trust to restrain their reactions.

      What we don't know, most definitely hurts us.

      I don't know if this is the first time you posted but if you find this message, just keep track of where you commented. I will reply as soon as possible!

      Hugs,
      CZ

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    2. P.S. You can also subscribe to comments at the top of the sidebar link!

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  4. I am in a dizzy Fog. I met my Npd husband 4 years ago and I was on top of the world. Now I've lost all that is important to me including my kids. I am isolated from seeing anyone who is important to me. I have been desperalty trying to get out of the relationship but the fear of nothingness overwhelms me. I'm frozen and afraid to make any decisions because of the torment my husband has done to me. I did do counseling which led me to the understanding of his NPD. I am now desperate to leave but the panic overwhelms me. Any advice?? My counselor has moved out of state. I am in constant confusion to which way to go...

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    1. Hello dear anonymous! I'm so sorry you're in a dizzy fog but you aren't alone, believe me. Most of us feel like our heads have spun backwards after the narcissistic relationship.

      If you are inclined to join a support group, I can't recommend WoN more. There's a fine group of people on our forum who've been through exactly what you're experiencing. They are willing to help if they can. Don't worry. We are not a judgmental group, so you are safe to talk about what's happening in your life.

      If your counselor talked with you about NPD, he or she must have gotten a pretty clear picture of who you're dealing with. Please join WoN and we can talk.

      Our forum: webofnarcissism.com

      I also keep a blog about narcissistic relationships if you're interested in reading my articles. It's located here:

      n-continuum.blogspot.com

      Love,
      CZ

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    2. Thank you...i hope i have hope now...

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  5. Where do I start please? I need direction there's to much to look at. Everything is so complex in my heart and twisted with complications from my husband it's hard to have any direction and believe it.
    TY

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    1. Dear Strawberryq68,

      I wish our group could give you a giant hug right now. It is so overwhelming when we first start learning about narcissistic relationships, isn't it? We're usually in a huge mess, too.

      You can start by joining our forum and asking questions as soon as you feel comfortable. Being with people who're familiar with your situation can really calm your nerves and help you cope with the daily stress. That's my best advice and it's why we keep a forum going---to help people like yourself!

      If you have any problems joining WoN, you can email me here: wonmanagers@yahoo.com. Be sure to put your name in the subject title so I don't mistakenly delete your email.

      (((hugs)))
      CZ

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  6. Hi All! I can honestly say that I am in some kind of fog too! All of this is soooo overwhelming and Crazzzzzyyyyy! I can not wrap my head around this Disorder! Please help! I feel like I just want the world to open up and swallow me whole! Thanx

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    1. Hi NoNarcToday! It is Crazzzzyyy, isn't it? And that's why we're here, so please check our forum where you'll find lots of people who know how to find their way through the fog!

      Please don't fall in the center of the world. *wink* Here's the url to our forum: webofnarcissism.com

      If you aren't interested in a forum, wanna talk? Who's the narc in your life? (I'm guessing it's a partner since most of our information on this site pertains to partner relationships).

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  7. My Narc is my HusbaNd! He has been gone for almost 5mths now. However, I sometimes wonder if the Evil you know is better than the Evil you don't..... He is doing some pretty strange stuff and I do not know what awaits me around the corner. I can not believe this is the same maN I married (shudder). It is like if I ignore him he will do off the wall things and I think he has new supply now, so why won't he just leave me in peace??? Thanks for your reply's!

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    1. Hi NoNarcToday!

      I see that you've joined our forum and we can converse with each other much easier on WoN than in comment boxes on our blog. However, that your husbaNd is doing strange things right now is 'par for the course'. It can be disorienting and depending on what he's doing, it can be frightening. When someone is unpredictable and we can't trust them to behave in ways they have in the past, it's very worrisome. Not just because we don't know how dangerous they might be to themselves or others, but also because we care. If they are mentally ill, we want to help. This can lead to some pretty dysfunctional behavior on our part. If they want help, they can find help just like we do for ourselves. If they don't want help and we keep trying to help, we can escalate the dysfunction and make them afraid of us!

      I hope to hear from you on WoN and continue our conversation so I hope you get this message, dear NoNarcToday.

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  8. I am thrilled to have found this site. I have been searching for resources, as I am quite convinced my mother has NPD. I severed my relationship with her years ago, though through her manipulation and destruction, she has FORCED (one of her favorite actions, so to speak) herself into my son's life. I am also beginning to seriously question my husband's degree of narcissism. I am just beginning to recognize him as quite abusive. I feel that as a result of being a daughter of a NPD mother, I am lacking in my ability to trust myself, recognize a situation for what it is, or even recognize what is right or wrong. All i know is that what I am experiencing in my "life"with my husband is soooooo wrong. That said, I am very afraid for my son's well being, and want nothing more than to protect him from the damage that living with NPD causes. I feel very alone, overwhelmed, and very afraid. Thanks for listening

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    1. We're thrilled you found us, too! :-)

      I see that you've joined our forum (Web of Narcissism), so I look forward to hearing from you there! We have a kind and experienced group of forum members who want to share their hard-learned experiences and support. We love finding new members as much you love finding us!

      Welcome!
      CZBZ

      P.S. You are not alone...not at all. Many people eventually realize they were 'groomed' for a narcissistic relationship because they grew up in a narcissistic family. It's very difficult seeing "dysfunction" when dysfunction was normalized as children.

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  9. Over the past several years I've been putting together a map of this disorder in my family. It seems I am the 'odd one out' and therefore the scapegoat, having left my home state at the age of 19 and returning at the age of 59. My return had to do with my sisters insistence and their pulling me back here seemed suspicious to me. They had ignored and hated on me for pretty much all of that time and I never really understood what was going on. So mostly I came back to figure it out and move on emotionally. Looking at my siblings, they are narcissistic, histrionic or enablers all. This may have been influenced by my father, who in retrospect was likely narcissistic. I've learned that I am an empath and therefore a likely target, but being 2000 miles away helped me avoid the trend or at least change what had been originally installed in my character. With the help of several therapists I've learned of my scapegoat status and at this point I want to go no contact with my siblings. The oldest sister is the controlling narcissist and has pretty much hated me since birth, I was the second child and born too close to her. I was always different from them all and knew it. There is great jealousy and manipulation, mask changing and abuse. Having made the mistake of calling her out just to get her away from me, she has now proceeded with a smear campaign and currently most relatives appear to consider me the 'bad' person. This means that I can now walk away and get on with my life as there is no reason to consider that will change back. The therapist brought it to the point: if they take me back and I'm no longer the scapegoat, they will have to find another. Will that happen? No. But there are others who are identified scapegoats who are brainwashed as well. I can only save myself and become who I was meant to be in this life. It is very liberating and now I can really breathe again. So happy to find your site in my journey through this!

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    1. We're so glad you're here, too! It sounds like you're breaking free of a family legacy of abuse, manipulation, and selfishness among other anti-social behaviors. No one thrives in that situation and you are wise to remove yourself while you still can. That they are so enmeshed in the 'system' as to continue using you as a scapegoat, is not too much of a surprise to me. After all, YOU are the one who sought therapy.YOU are the one who took responsibility to change things. YOU are the one who set boundaries.

      When we re-visit our family after many years of autonomy and healing, we assume that to some degree, they have done this work, also. It's a surprise to discover they've not only stagnated their growth, they're worse than ever---functioning like a mob against anyone daring to be herself.

      The Smear Campaign is a No-Win, you are damned if you defend yourself and damned if you don't. Many people simply have to leave and never look back...sorry to write, but true.

      I wish you the best in life and congratulate you for making changes. For having the courage to walk away, the courage to try again, the courage to leave when you were being mistreated. You know your worth and you aren't willing to let family members degrade you. That is commendable because it takes years before adult-children-of-narcissists are able to affirm their own worth and end the relationship if necessary.

      Glad to know you're finding this information helpful! I wish you the very best in your journey forward!

      Hugs,
      CZ

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