Midlife & Narcissism

by CZBZ

Several WoN members participated on Pat Gaudette's Midlife Crisis Forum, joining her website as early as 2002. As Pat writes in her opening essay, "Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain."

May I also add that the midlife crisis is not necessarily a temporary phase of self-development? Midlife may reveal an underlying narcissistic pathology. Midlife is a precarious time for narcissistic people. Mature responsibilities tax the narcissist's ability to cope and 'escaping reality' appears to be an easier option. Narcissists escape by abusing drugs, participating in risky sports and activities (including unprotected sex), attempting to defy reality. 

For most people, escaping responsibility for a partner or family is not an option---even when we're suffering or angry. However, narcissists do not value relationships to the same degree as most people, nor do they bond emotionally. Not that YOU nor any of us knew that when we said "I do." This makes it easier for a narcissist to change partners, seeking the perfect love he or she deserves.

Midlife increases narcissistic defenses

Who knew there might be insurmountable obstacles to someone's maturation and/or ability to attach to people? Their 'unhealthy narcissism' was always there, though it was not necessarily pathological until the narcissist was unable to work through a 'crisis' of some kind. When a narcissistic person faces a crisis between self-perceptions and reality, ego defenses increase. Perhaps for the first time, we will see: grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement, exhibitionism, vanity, superiority, a pretense of self-sufficiency,  and defiance of authority. Then suddenly, YOU are accused of being controlling simply because you expected fidelity.

At midlife, narcissists become increasingly impulsive. Their capacity for restraint is diminished. In their younger years, they may have been able to control impulsive behavior for the sake of their IMAGE. Once they lose their ability to restrain their impulses and their IMAGE is destroyed, there may be no recourse for remorse. They may not be a way to reconcile the truth of their behavior with the Image of who they either pretended or believed themselves to be.

Rather than tolerate grief for the harm they caused others, take responsibility to fix the mess they created, live with the sadness of knowing they hurt their family/partner, etc. the narcissist will avoid responsibility by replacing the people in his life. We are props in a theatrical presentation and having been judged incompetent and imperfect, his highness dismisses us without warning.

Narcissists resist therapeutic treatment

One red flag warning people that their partner may be NPD (or pathologically narcissistic), is that they will be reluctant to seek therapeutic intervention. Most of the time, family members force narcissists into therapy in the hopes of salvaging the relationship. Instead of seeing themselves as the cause of relational difficulties though, narcissists project fault and blame onto others. This means they accuse their partner of having failed them. Because narcissists do not bond emotionally with other people, it is easier for them to Switch Partners than it is to clean up the mess they created themselves. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, or if he or she went to therapy for a little while until convincing the therapist that they were icons of mental health, then brace yourself for some bad news. Even narcissists who commit to the therapeutic process needs years of intensive therapy to change their behavior(s). This may be anywhere from five to seven years of consistent psychoanalysis. Ten sessions in cognitive therapy will NOT cure a narcissist. Nor will Prozac. NPD is a serious disorder, still baffling to psychologists who would love to have a guaranteed treatment for their clients. So far, there is none.

Treating NPD is a LONG-TERM process. Needless to say, most narcissists leave therapy the minute the analyst gets close to their narcissistic wound. Narcissists do not tolerate vulnerability and dependency (two distinctly difficult situations for middle-aged people who must reconcile their 'dependency' on others and our 'vulnerability' to death.) Right when a therapist believes the narcissist is ready for a 'breakthrough', the narcissist leaves blaming the therapist's incompetence. Dependency terrifies the narcissists because it triggers fears of vulnerability. 

When We Get Hurt The Most

The period during which we, as partners of narcissists, suffer the most is called the Devalue and Discard. This means that the narcissist begins 'devaluing' his partner (and family), seeing them as having failed him or betrayed him. Once he has convinced himself that we are 'defective', (incapable of meeting his needs) we are discarded. The Discard is emotionally and psychologically traumatic because we endure the ultimate humiliation: objectification. We must come to grips with the horrific truth that in the narcissist's eyes: We are Replaceable. Many of us speak of this as being seen as a subzero refrigerator, or a toaster, or any other appliance that served the narcissist well. Throwing us away is no more traumatic for the narcissist than throwing out a used vacuum cleaner.

The narcissist may appear to be suffering; however, they are suffering because WE FAILED them and now they must MOVE ON. Boo-friggin'-Hoo.

The other significant factor in our trauma is the narcissist's lack of empathy for how WE feel. If the narcissist is having an affair, they will relentlessly compare their current partner to their idealized partner. The lack of empathy for the way we feel is excruciating and crazy-making. We cannot process what is happening fast enough to protect ourselves from the narcissist's intentional (or oblivious) harm. Instead of reinforcing boundaries protecting ourselves from harm, we listen. We listen in the hopes of understanding yet the whole time we're listening, our sense of worth and self-esteem is plummeting. We may also listen because we are emotionally traumatized. Or we have been trained to listen because confrontation only escalated arguments in the past.

On the other hand, narcissists may be very aware of how we 'feel' and in a sadistic manner, do things or say things to increase our suffering. It is how the narcissist regulates his self-esteem by reducing an 'idealized' object to an inferior one. His criticisms will be malicious in nature and intentionally sadistic. Because the narcissist perceives US as having failed him, he will seek revenge on the fallible object who did not give him everything he was entitled to get from her. The more vulnerable we are, the more aggressive they become. Please remember that.

If you have been through an experience like this, it is an unmistakable sign of the narcissistic personality who lacks compassion for his victim and justifies his aggression and cruelty. 

Anyone experiencing a midlife crisis becomes 'narcissistic' and unhealthily so. This does not mean they have a personality disorder. Some people work through whatever issues they have that delayed maturation, reduced the 'meaning' of life, inhibited their passion, caused them to question where their lives were headed. Focusing on childhood may resolve issues that are problematic as adults. However, there are distinctly different behaviors in a midlife narcissist than there are with people who 'transition' and work through their crisis. These two signs suggest a narcissistic person may not be able to work through unhealthy narcissism (and may in fact, be NPD):

1-     The inability to sustain commitment

2-Extreme reactions to failure, criticism or defeat 

I hope everyone will feel comfortable on WoN. Our intent as managers is to provide a Safe Place where we can be honest with one another and with ourselves. Validation from others can help us stand on our feet again. It is important to talk about what you are or have experienced so other people can offer their support. Writing about what is happening in your life will also help YOU make sense of your story and 'see' the narcissistic patterns in your relationship. It's too easy to dismiss our thoughts from one day to the next. Writing holds us accountable to ourselves. WoN members can offer you the wisdom of their experiences and interpret incidents or behaviors in the context of NPD. We can't diagnose and we can't offer answers but we can listen, understand, and care.

And when you get the urge to blame yourself for choosing a narcissistic partner, remember: In a culture that is undeniably narcissistic, people see healthy self-love instead of unhealthy Self-Admiration. They see self-confidence instead of Arrogance; self-reliance rather than Self-sufficiency; ambition, not grandiosity and superiority. Our culture reveres people who $ucceed without questioning the 'means to their ends'.

Narcissism (self-admiration) is destructive to ALL relationships

The destruction may be slow or it may be fast but one thing for sure, the destructive harm to others is inevitable. The up-and-coming self-made maN ends up being, as Heinz Kohut describes midlife narcissists: The Tragic man.

That's true and sad am I for all the tragic men who could not (or would not) sacrifice their narcissism instead of their families. The real tragedy of narcissistic relationships are all the broken hearts and the broken minds of very good people whom the narcissist devalued and discarded without remorse.

Let me welcome all of you to what I hope will become a safe and healing relationship with our community.  

© 2011 WebOfNarcissism.com