Eyes_Up joined the WoN forum in 2006. She served as an advisor on the management team from 2007-2011. Eyes_Up is a yoga instructor, instinctively drawn towards the inner workings of the self. She consistently supported members by listening, sharing, offering her perspective and expertise, encouraging people to become whole by integrating all aspects of themselves: body, mind, and spirit.
In honor of her service, several of her heartfelt messages have been collected for this tribute. Her willingness to share her ptsd journey has helped countless numbers of people who recognized their own symptoms through her honesty.
Eyes_Up will always have a special place not only in my heart, but many other people's hearts. She is making our world a better place.
Shadow Work
"I had to devote time to being angry without telling myself this would make me a bitter person. It didn't. I have no feelings of forgiveness since I feel like I did something empowering like accept my self---all of me. I let shadow parts tell me how they felt and I listened. It was more than cathartic. It was like turning over a rock that covered a treasure."
"Now that I am stretching across memory lane I can recall that it was my job and friends that saved me! It would be an everyday thought, "Why does every one like me as an instructor? What about all my friends who were nice people?" I couldn't match it up. The narcissist was telling me I had a major problem, that I was not emotionally available. I believed it for some time. Yet I couldn't get past the fact that people liked me in general and how could I be so bad if people were cramming into rooms to listen to me yak about yoga ??? I just didn't get it. Did I have some secret that I didn't know about but the narc did? Was he able to see my true value while I fooled the rest of the world? OOOOOPS! Reverse that and there is the answer."
"Seeing myself and experiencing myself through the eyes of a narcissist is equal to the unacceptable version of the narcissist underneath their mask...No Thank You!"
“Why in the world I was willing to accept this individual into my life? Now I clearly see how and why. I am very happy it is over and now I have my head on straight about who I am---and not in accordance with any individual that targets my vulnerabilities. Once this is understood, it is EASY to spot someone with an agenda. No one can take you for a ride if you know who they are and you're best of friends with your Self. This has helped all of my relationships. Healing can happen and life can be good.”
"The only time life is loveless is when I forget about the people who do love me and am totally focused on the narcissist. Now that is loveless."
On Growth & Awareness
"The way I put it is that I am constantly becoming through adversity and differences as well as through similarities and flow. What that means to me is that every relationship I encounter points in the direction of discovering more about myself. Whether it be conditions and habits I am questioning or qualities I am building. Whatever it is, taking note of my belief system and values is important. Seeing into my differences and similarities to others is really cool. None of it is bad or good. I relate to it as growth of awareness.
There was a time when my brothers and sister were bad mouthing my mother. She actually wasn't their mother but my fathers children. It was difficult to handle. I was protective at the time. Now the odd thing was that at some point I was given the same medicine as they endured, by means of my mother. Then I was able to see into their anger. This isn't to say I joined them and it isn't to say I haven't had to go through a lot of dealing with anger and getting through all of the feelings of betrayal/abuse (emotional hijack/enmeshment). I have had to do that.
I figure people have to haggle it out. It is something to deal with and if a person gets smart, they find the tools to deal with it---otherwise one is trapped in the state of hate and forever angry.
I was always the odd one in the family. Still am. I didn't seek money as everyone else did and financially prospered quite nicely. There is a whole list of differences. I am OK being outside of the structure. I do not find the system decorated with dollar bills and conformity to be aligned with my vibe. That is just the way it is. No big deal really.
What is a BIG deal is being in alignment with self and no longer feeling weird, estranged , isolated, rejected, defective, the list goes on because I do not dance to the same song as my siblings. Therefore, I am growing into myself and growing out of wrongness, defectiveness.
Now and again i have to vent about my mother. I work through it and take it on as my own stuff. Really that is what it is. It is all in my head and I either continue to carry it, or dump it, heal it, lighten my load and move forward rather than stuck inside of conditions which originally were not an option. Yet if siblings are still feeling like victims, so be it. It is OK to be a victim and live out the anger there of. It is completely understandable. Not everyone gets to learn how to throw the wet blanket back where it came. Some people not only wear the old blanket but they share it with others. Pretty human thing to do, really.
My concern is not in what other people’s course for change is. My focus is on my path. Really, what other path should be my responsibility?"
On Judgement & Discernment
"I have become more discerning where I used to be judgmental in certain areas. When I am able to see into another person’s plight, I lose a lot of resistance in seeing into my own. When another judges me, I fight because I don't want to see the fact that the first person judging myself is ME. But I hide from that and look at the people on the outside and blame the pain I experience due to self-judgment. Once I realize I am judging myself and the people outside of me are there to reflect that, it is painful since I am not ready to accept or see into my own self judgment.
It get blurry when another person is judging me for one thing and yet I judge myself for something entirely different...I will not see where the similarity is. The similarity is within the denial of self-judgment and not the characteristic of the judgment. I might think i am greedy and the other person says I am defiant. I respond to the sensation of being judged in general.
"Judge not least ye be judged" is a pretty cool statement. It is saying just this. I judge another for a certain characteristic and I notice because those characteristics are hidden in me but I don't dare see. I just get upset when I see it in another person. I might also get irritated by seeing an other experiencing judgment and that points to my inability to accept my own actions of judgment.
Point is, people can be judgmental towards other vulnerability especially if the person experiencing/expressing the judgment is unaware of, or denying his/her own vulnerabilities and creating a world that excludes, avoids and represses vulnerabilities.
A good example is that as a child I was determined to be "Angry". Well, yes, no kidding. But the judgment was that anger is bad--therefore I was bad. There is the judgment. I was a bad person because of an emotional experience. I suppose a lot of people feel they are bad for experiencing certain emotions and are told not to experience them since they are negative emotions. Thing is, if one is in an abusive (negative) environment that is what is going to happen. That is instinctual.
This reaction to my anger means only that those creating the judgment (bad) are harboring anger that they do not allow themselves to express but hide it because it is not wanted. The other person’s anger is a reminder of the anger which is repressed. The judgment comes when the other person doesn't want to be reminded, such as: “don't show me anger since I don't want to feel my own anger.”
For myself I know I live with several feelings about family. I love every one. I can also be incredibly careless about family, meaning I don't see fit to care for them. I also on occasion feel sad about family. I do not have only one feeling about it. I don't have to decide which is the right feeling for me, they are always changing depending on the moment, depending on the memory.
I can say the whole family is a mess and then I can also say “every one dealt with it the only way they know possible”, so for that it is not a mess since every one lives on and does OK. Then I can look at various statements and understand which ones are judgments and which are discernments.
Whatever it be, I pay attention to my judgments since they have something to do with what lives in me. It is also OK to have judgments if I understand that I will limit my awareness to internal information that might be telling me where and how I need to heal. Not healing by elimination---but by acceptance. I learn to pay attention to my own judgments and be accepting of experiencing judgment. "
It get blurry when another person is judging me for one thing and yet I judge myself for something entirely different...I will not see where the similarity is. The similarity is within the denial of self-judgment and not the characteristic of the judgment. I might think i am greedy and the other person says I am defiant. I respond to the sensation of being judged in general.
"Judge not least ye be judged" is a pretty cool statement. It is saying just this. I judge another for a certain characteristic and I notice because those characteristics are hidden in me but I don't dare see. I just get upset when I see it in another person. I might also get irritated by seeing an other experiencing judgment and that points to my inability to accept my own actions of judgment.
Point is, people can be judgmental towards other vulnerability especially if the person experiencing/expressing the judgment is unaware of, or denying his/her own vulnerabilities and creating a world that excludes, avoids and represses vulnerabilities.
A good example is that as a child I was determined to be "Angry". Well, yes, no kidding. But the judgment was that anger is bad--therefore I was bad. There is the judgment. I was a bad person because of an emotional experience. I suppose a lot of people feel they are bad for experiencing certain emotions and are told not to experience them since they are negative emotions. Thing is, if one is in an abusive (negative) environment that is what is going to happen. That is instinctual.
This reaction to my anger means only that those creating the judgment (bad) are harboring anger that they do not allow themselves to express but hide it because it is not wanted. The other person’s anger is a reminder of the anger which is repressed. The judgment comes when the other person doesn't want to be reminded, such as: “don't show me anger since I don't want to feel my own anger.”
For myself I know I live with several feelings about family. I love every one. I can also be incredibly careless about family, meaning I don't see fit to care for them. I also on occasion feel sad about family. I do not have only one feeling about it. I don't have to decide which is the right feeling for me, they are always changing depending on the moment, depending on the memory.
I can say the whole family is a mess and then I can also say “every one dealt with it the only way they know possible”, so for that it is not a mess since every one lives on and does OK. Then I can look at various statements and understand which ones are judgments and which are discernments.
Whatever it be, I pay attention to my judgments since they have something to do with what lives in me. It is also OK to have judgments if I understand that I will limit my awareness to internal information that might be telling me where and how I need to heal. Not healing by elimination---but by acceptance. I learn to pay attention to my own judgments and be accepting of experiencing judgment. "
On Change
“From my own experience it seems that the change comes when I realize that I can develop and be for myself what I needed my mother to be. It is unfinished business going back to my mother with the idea that finally my needs would be provided for. What actually happened was more of the same thing.” When it is time to change, then there is no longer letting mom know about it. It just happens. It is the adult movement out of being the child (wounded and restricted child).
I know I did not inform my mother about what I was doing and where i was heading. It was and is no longer her business. Our relationship changed because now I relate to her as an adult and not with the child mind. It really isn't that bad either. Meaning the separation put the power to one self and selecting healthy relationships and no longer looking for mom to be mommy. It all started with grieving not having the mother I felt I needed and takes off from there. It is like grieving a death. There is also the grief of the old voice, the one that takes place internally with myself and then with mother. The little girl who needed a friend and a confidant... some one who is caring and nurturing. That little girl has her hopes, her pain and her suffering. That is another death and a way of functioning that discontinues.
It does not stop from hoping or looking for nurturing connection but the new format produces what has been needed. so everything is gained and what feels as a loss is replaced by what is needed."
On Projections and Projective Identification
"I think at the root of all projections is a feeling, so any one is able to identify with the projection. At the root of all narcissists projections is the unwanted self...just saying it that way for the hell of it. If what the narcissist projects MEANS that I am a bad person, and I identify with being a bad person, then I will cycle through those emotions.
That is how it worked for me. It wasn't exactly one or another projection and the initial descriptions of the projection such as: "You are not able to love," (which I know is not true) but that it meant that I was an unlovable person and that I could identify with.
So it all depends on what my .... (fill in the blank here)... interpretation is.
I catch my self identifying with all kinds of things that seem odd. Mostly because I am adding to it such as some one telling me, "You are not good at making rice." I very well may be good at making rice, but it triggered not being good at something and there i am in the identified state of not being good. I identify, this is my personal internal mental and emotional action.
But get back to the statement, "you do not love" and to be honest love is something that happens and doesn't happen just like fear. I can be fearful and then I can not be fearful. So stating or rather projecting "You do not love" meaning I do not love would be a part truth. I do not walk around 24/7 with love in my heart . If I am not OK with that and understand that I experience many things rather than just love. If I am not OK with that and find myself accountable for being a super human non stop love machine, I then find myself guilty and totally identifying with the projection "you do not love". "
That is how it worked for me. It wasn't exactly one or another projection and the initial descriptions of the projection such as: "You are not able to love," (which I know is not true) but that it meant that I was an unlovable person and that I could identify with.
So it all depends on what my .... (fill in the blank here)... interpretation is.
I catch my self identifying with all kinds of things that seem odd. Mostly because I am adding to it such as some one telling me, "You are not good at making rice." I very well may be good at making rice, but it triggered not being good at something and there i am in the identified state of not being good. I identify, this is my personal internal mental and emotional action.
But get back to the statement, "you do not love" and to be honest love is something that happens and doesn't happen just like fear. I can be fearful and then I can not be fearful. So stating or rather projecting "You do not love" meaning I do not love would be a part truth. I do not walk around 24/7 with love in my heart . If I am not OK with that and understand that I experience many things rather than just love. If I am not OK with that and find myself accountable for being a super human non stop love machine, I then find myself guilty and totally identifying with the projection "you do not love". "
On Knowing the Self
The best way to get out of the narrow process of projective identification is to first know your self through your self. Underneath that lies how we were taught to know our selves as children---through the eyes of our parents. So, if you are still experiencing yourself through the eyes of a more or less unhealthy parent, that has to change.
Once I know myself through a healthy medium, then I can accept all aspects of my humanity. What people call warts are often times positive attributes but have been carelessly and automatically pushed on to the side of the psyche that black lists them as undesirable characteristics.
So, some one says I am fearful... My reply can be, "YES you are absolutely right , I am fearful about this or that but I accept fear as a part of my humanity. I am not ashamed of fear nor do I consider it an human characteristic to be ashamed about." Then I, or you, have the ability to sit with fear and not act on it by projecting on to another person---nor being ashamed of a very human reality. I have my fear and the other persoN has his/hers. Her fear does not belong to me although if there is empathy involved we can decide to confide in our experiences of fear and release the tension. That is not what narcissists are capable of doing but healthy people will dive right in and assist each other in understanding dark places. Healthy parents will do this as well with their children."
Once I know myself through a healthy medium, then I can accept all aspects of my humanity. What people call warts are often times positive attributes but have been carelessly and automatically pushed on to the side of the psyche that black lists them as undesirable characteristics.
So, some one says I am fearful... My reply can be, "YES you are absolutely right , I am fearful about this or that but I accept fear as a part of my humanity. I am not ashamed of fear nor do I consider it an human characteristic to be ashamed about." Then I, or you, have the ability to sit with fear and not act on it by projecting on to another person---nor being ashamed of a very human reality. I have my fear and the other persoN has his/hers. Her fear does not belong to me although if there is empathy involved we can decide to confide in our experiences of fear and release the tension. That is not what narcissists are capable of doing but healthy people will dive right in and assist each other in understanding dark places. Healthy parents will do this as well with their children."
On Peace & Justice
"The experience of peace is part of acceptance but there is a whole lot more to it than peace. A reduced experience is justice. The heightened experience is ecstatic freedom. There are a lot of emotional and behavioral experiences that by way of wholeness and balance. Peace is one layer. When I read the two words, "peace and justice" I laugh my head off. "
My experience has not been about seeking and establishing justice. It was not my drive. It was more about creating unity. In my mind the definition of justice is 'righting a wrong' or getting rid of the bad guy. Instead of putting another person in their rightful place, I put myself in my rightful place. I chose a different position. This equation may read justice but some how for me there is another word or even an entire list to describe something that I find difficult to write in ordinary words. I would have to write a poem about the sky or something to describe my sensation of personal power. Justice doesn't hit personal power for me. Justice is more of an exterior ego function. Nothing wrong with that but it isn't where I am coming from. That is why I call it a reduction. Feeling power through justice, which i have, is definitely not as huge for me as this newer experience.
Besides, peace and justice together do not equal balance. That is like saying flowers and presents equal balance. Where as I would say a gravestone and flowers equal balance, or a snake and flowers equals balance. Good and Bad equal balance, unity and whole. Positive and negative forces equal balance.
Being able to live with injustice and justice happening at the same time is balance. Doing something about injustice is a different action. I might decide to battle injustice but I practice being balanced with or without it. This is my take and it is not even something that I would try to explain further if it is not understood. There are plenty of good reads on this starting with Faust.
It was with in the condition of justice that I found the most suffering. It is within acceptance that I am free. When I can accept the whole diagram of FOO (family of origin) and Culture, I can accept all the wickedness and then come out the other end reclaiming my birth right without it being personal. Reclaiming birth right has everything to do with stepping out of emotional and mental repression but I do not have to point a finger at WHO did it to ME. I can just go on and enjoy myself regardless. If justice is being able to enjoy myself, then OK justice. But it seems more like fixing a tire rather than finding justice because the nail in the road should not have been there.
Besides, peace and justice together do not equal balance. That is like saying flowers and presents equal balance. Where as I would say a gravestone and flowers equal balance, or a snake and flowers equals balance. Good and Bad equal balance, unity and whole. Positive and negative forces equal balance.
Being able to live with injustice and justice happening at the same time is balance. Doing something about injustice is a different action. I might decide to battle injustice but I practice being balanced with or without it. This is my take and it is not even something that I would try to explain further if it is not understood. There are plenty of good reads on this starting with Faust.
It was with in the condition of justice that I found the most suffering. It is within acceptance that I am free. When I can accept the whole diagram of FOO (family of origin) and Culture, I can accept all the wickedness and then come out the other end reclaiming my birth right without it being personal. Reclaiming birth right has everything to do with stepping out of emotional and mental repression but I do not have to point a finger at WHO did it to ME. I can just go on and enjoy myself regardless. If justice is being able to enjoy myself, then OK justice. But it seems more like fixing a tire rather than finding justice because the nail in the road should not have been there.
I do not count on justice to set my soul free. It may or may not happen on the external. Justice, whether it be viewed as karmic or official political justice to me it evades my personal larger intention.
For example, my mother has paid dearly for her actions. Her actions are based on not developing into an adult but using rickety old patterns that were used at a different time. But the point is... I do not process the growing experience as though I have won and FOO has lost. I finally get my just reward and the other person is no longer going to be able use me for their extension.
It was not until I dropped the angle of war, me against you, you have stolen my time and energy, YOU made me think and feel I was a rotten and disposable defective person whose existence was of little value. Although those were at one time legitimate points of view, I grew out of them. It is not that that mental and emotional experience is not valid or is wrong, just that there is something larger with more space. This is where i can not use words to describe. I stop here in describing the other angle or position of experiencing, but certainly justice looks like a cave man tool from this point."
For example, my mother has paid dearly for her actions. Her actions are based on not developing into an adult but using rickety old patterns that were used at a different time. But the point is... I do not process the growing experience as though I have won and FOO has lost. I finally get my just reward and the other person is no longer going to be able use me for their extension.
It was not until I dropped the angle of war, me against you, you have stolen my time and energy, YOU made me think and feel I was a rotten and disposable defective person whose existence was of little value. Although those were at one time legitimate points of view, I grew out of them. It is not that that mental and emotional experience is not valid or is wrong, just that there is something larger with more space. This is where i can not use words to describe. I stop here in describing the other angle or position of experiencing, but certainly justice looks like a cave man tool from this point."
On Healing
I tried everything to get myself to shut up about my mother. Finally after over a year of working at it I had a break through. First of all I KNOW that my mother will NOT meet my needs. She may meet very fine line, as in crumb and some times a little more but it is certain that as soon as she meets a need I am in for it. That means I have opened my inner child and I am expecting her to take care of it for me.... THIS IS THE ISSUE , the way I have understood it after years of basic work to figure out what works for me and certainly not her.
What has developed for me is my ability to know where it is safe to be the child but not just that ... I take care of my inner child. I am the parent I needed. I do not expect my mother to be able be polite. I expect that she will finally say something that will hurt.
When this happens I am no longer helpless. I listen to me and my tears. I do not put my mother in the position of taking care of my feelings. So, the rules for me are anything that has present charge, negative or positive, is not revealed.
But the most important thing to get is that this person can not be a parent nor a friend. I do not come to my mother as her child. I visit as an adult. That is how it is worked. If I want to talk about my day I journal or find a person who is going to give me space and be a supportive listener.
I hope this helps to understand a little better about dealing with an unhealthy parent."
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