by Practical Jude
To me, there are not many things in life more beautiful than a woman who takes her last drop of energy and strikes that first key, reaching out for help. Allow me to share with you my keyboard fairy story, taken from and old post:
The first message I wrote said, “HELP!” something that I have learned that many women write once they learn that there is no hope, no future...once they feel the effects of strangulation and defamation. Not trusting a soul, I frantically typed; hoping someone could hear me. Blinded with tunnel vision, there was only the smallest glimmer of hope that I might find a kind soul who understood what I was about to tell them.
And then I found them. They were women with soft hands and bloodshot eyes... kind women who spoke the same language...women who, like me, were searching for their lost souls.
For months to follow I was literally taken by the hand and shown the path to survival. Some days I crawled. Some days I ran. Some days I walked backwards. The reality of my life dangling on a string and the work I had to do to escape became overwhelming. Their soft voices would interrupt the pain - long enough to guide me back to the path. Arm in arm, a kind soul would walk with me, dry the tears and point to the ray of light that beamed through the clouds. She assured me that my bloody heels would form new skin...that my heart would feel lighter in time and that the breaths would come easier. I wasn’t so sure.
It was quite some time down the path before I learned that my new friends have helpers. You can’t see them but they are sitting on your keyboard before you turn your computer on. They wait for you. At times they guide you to a new book or just remind you to eat and sleep. On the coldest day they find the blanket. In your darkest hour, they light the candle. I was told they have wings and magic dust...and some targets have told me that they will never, ever leave you.
I wondered how many there were. I wondered if they would find all of us. Did they see us in desperation? Were they there all along as we started walking the path? The women who walked with me explained how they came to be:
Helpers with magic dust and wings are created from your fingers the first time you sit down to post. They are a collective energy that rebounds from the fingers of those who have typed before us. They are motionless until you strike the first key - and only then can you release their true powers. Only those who trusted to type will feel them. They bathe, comfort and protect us. They know the beginning and the end of our journey.
I’m so glad you found WoN and had the courage to strike that first key. And now, the keyboard fairies have found you. As you begin your journey, be kind and gentle with yourself and I promise you the fairies will help you to find your way.
Practical Jude
© 2011 WebOfNarcissism.com
I am deeply thankful dear Keyboard Faeiries. Now I believe you exist. How else would I have found this site? and read all these words which sound so incredible in their gently kindness and companionship. I am on a journey to recovery. I do need your sustained Help.
ReplyDeletemy thankfulness and gratefulness for your gentle companionship. I mentioned about you incredible keyboard faeiries to my child. yes..how else would I have reached this site? i am in the vice grip of the N husband. there is no escape. Now after reading all the loving writings here, I am very very slowly taking my first wobbly step to Recovery. I can recover my Soul... have to accept that due to destiny my Life is lost.
ReplyDeleteI’m hoping your fears are lessened knowing the keyboard fairies have found you. My story isn’t total fantasy; I felt this experience of energy move through me as I began typing one evening and believe in the fairies - just as I believe your healing will intensify now that they’ve found you.
ReplyDeleteThere is something mystical about the energy shared in cyberspace and coming here to share your experience, your devastation, speaks to your courage and desire to heal the soul. The energy is within you, here on WoN, and within all the women who’ve experienced abuse and were willing to talk about their journeys. I believe it will move through you as it helps you to heal and reach women around the globe.
I’m so happy you’re here.
Jude
ahh lovely and comforting. Thank you Kfairies, for leading me to this website.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with an NPD father and BPD mother. The damage was not confined to just our nuclear family unit but in fact collaterally spread to extended family members as well.The result was that they withdrew for their own safety/sanity and us children were left alone with the dysfunction.
ReplyDeleteThe cluster B group isn't tolerated well by those that lack the specialized training children of NPD's receive. My early training made me a magnet for abusive relationships with many men who either shared many of the same qualities as NPD's or were full blown NOD's themselves.
Currently I am separated from a man with NPD. The lies, rages, infidelities, emotional abandonment. financial abandonment, cruelty, dramatic scenes have taken their tole on me. I have contemplated ending it all because the pain has been so overwhelming. The reason I persist is due to having two beautiful, loving children who need no additional hurt in their lives.
I have recently been visited by swarms of dragonflies in my yard. They have a special significance for me as a reminder of my first love who died from a drug addiction. This week was particularly difficult and when I came home from work one day, a dragonfly was hovering near my door, literally looking at me. As nutty as it sounds, i began speaking to it.
The dragonfly rested on a leaf near my door. I reached towards it. It didn't move. I called it by my first love's name and it remained still as my hand grew closer. The little dragonfly actually let me stroke it's tail several times before flying away.
I came into the house and typed "help" "dragonfly" and the name of my first love. The link to this page appeared in a list. And clicking on the link I find help, compassion, resources, women who are trying to escape the clutches of NPD, and yes, dragonflies.
I do believe in keyboard fairies, and dragonflies as well.
You have touched my heart today! That a dragonfly would allow you to stroke it's tail before flying away is a beautiful story, a symbol for making peace with your past.
DeleteWhat a remarkable connection, to find us on the Web after the dragonfly appeared in your life! Welcome to WoN......
Hugs,
CZ
You mentioned you’ve thought about ending it all and I’m very sorry to feel your pain through the words. You’re surely not alone with those thoughts – I, too, have considered suicide in the past. I asked how I could have been so wrong. Can I ever trust myself again? Will there ever be relief or do I accept I’m to live in constant torment?
ReplyDeleteIt’s my belief that dragonflies and keyboard fairies come to us in our greatest hour of need and their energy creates a change within us. I was told the meaning of a dragonfly visit has to do with “breaking an illusion” so I looked it up and found this:
Dragonfly - Illusion.
When we've tricked ourselves into believing that the limitations of physical existence prevent us from changing and growing Dragonfly medicine teaches us to pierce our self-created illusions.
http://www.windlegends.org/animals.html
Given this, it is no surprise to me the dragonfly came to you. To me, it’s equivalent to the healing light and energy that danced upon my keyboard, once upon a time. What’s really interesting is the physical contact we both experienced. Before the energy surrounded my keyboard it surrounded me - went through me – and dissipated into space. Your dragonfly allowed your touch (the illusion?) before flying away. Could the dragonfly have filled you with enough healing energy to do the internet search? Do you feel it carried away some of the disparity?
I hope you don’t feel I’ve drawn too many parallels to our experiences. My intention is not to discount your story in any way. My experience teaches me healing targets share lots of similar stories; lots of familiar pain and lots of “aha” moments as we walk the path to freedom. I’m so happy you (and your dragonfly) found us. It’s only the beginning of the rest of your beautiful life story to come.
With love,
Jude