Resource Page: Healing

"Simply put, there is nothing, nothing in the world, that can take the place of one person intentionally listening or speaking to another. The act of conscious attending to another person---when one once discovers the taste of it and its significance---can become the center of gravity of the work of love. It is very difficult. Almost nothing in our world supports it or even knows about it." ~Jacob Needleman

Therapy with the Partner  of an individual with NPD

by Mary Frances Schneider and Wendy Sadler

"...The longer and more complicated the partner's relationship with the individual with NPD (years  of marriage, biological children, shared business, unified resources) and the more troubled the partner's family  of origin, the more complex the process of recovery.  In our experience, the process of recovery for the partner  of  an individual with NPD  is often  a long journey characterized by the development of two major skill sets in individual therapy and peer group work: (a) awakening  to and detachment from emotionally "reactive" participation  in  a relationship laced  by mechanisms  of power and control and (b) empowerment through active cultivation  of practices and processes  of emotional intelligence which result, first,  in the partner's learning and establishing emotional leadershipof the self and, second, in the partner sharing emotional leadership with family and friends.  

In our experience, the individual therapy fosters awakening and empowerment  in the partner through four stages of therapy: (a) awakening  to the mechanisms  of NPD with the ability  to recognize and name power and control tactics  in daily life; (b) empowerment through support groups and networks that help partners disengage from power dynamics and develop practices  of emotional intelligence; (c) empowering the partner  to deconstruct the reactive fear bonds established  in relationship with the individual with NPD and  to practice emotional intelligence  in the face of these fears; and (d) empowering the partner  to engage  in leadership  in emotional intelligence through proactive development  of the self and engagement with others..." 

Medicating your grief won't help you heal
By Claudia Meininger Gold

"...I proposed that we as a society recognize that grief and loss cannot be medicated away. As one friend who recently lost her husband so eloquently put it, "Grief is a powerful release that validates your loss, relieves stress, and helps you heal." Certainly medication may be an adjunct, particularly when people are so incapacitated by their symptoms that they are unable to function. But if we as a culture validate the experience of grief, if we offer the time and space and resources to support people through the difficult process, I am quite certain that in the long run we will not only spend less on medication, but will help people to heal and return to being productive members of society..."

Building Healthy Boundaries

by James J. Messina

"...In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to: First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored. 

Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated. 

Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others. 

Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others. 

Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated..."

Emotional Healing and the Automatic Defense System
by Steven Stosney 

"...Whether you choose to stay in an improving relationship or to leave it, your automatic defense system will likely undermine your relationships in the future - including those with children - unless it is reconditioned. 

Research shows that imagination and memory are opposite sides of the same coin, almost impossible to distinguish with any certainty and highly dependent on current physical and emotional states. Healing is never tied to the past; it is a matter of willful focus in the present.

Emotional healing occurs when the brain associates painful memories with restorative images. Repeating the association over and over conditions the painful memories to stimulate the restorative images automatically, in lieu of the automatic defense system.

Common grief over loss of a loved one is an example of how this process occurs naturally for most people. Memories of the deceased are acutely painful in the beginning of the grief process; they keep you focused on loss and inhibit premature reinvestment of value in others. Over time, you begin to focus on positive experiences with the deceased - what you've gained rather than what you've lost - and it becomes pleasurable to think about the loved one. Restorative images of love, meaning, purpose, and appreciation have reconditioned your focus from loss to value-orientation. At that point you are free to invest value more fully in other people and in other areas of your life..."