September 2007
I can still recall the second day of counselling when my therapist said, "so that is what got you here". I was a bit perplexed. I thought that I needed help with my relationship as if I was doing something wrong.
What began as a scream from my involvement with a covertnarcissist, became a journey into accepting myself and understanding a disorder: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I had PTSD before I ever laid eyes on the narcissist, but I didn't know it. I just lived this way for most of my life. I didn't know any different. The N-relationship simply brought it to a head and I went for counselling because at some point dissociation became so strong that I could hardly look at a rose and know what it was or is.
I couldn't feel and all I was, was a walking bag of anxiety. I couldn't eat and every night was a sea of night mares---stronger than ever before. I could list all of what was happening, all of the symptoms but really the point is---it was more than ever. I was exploding and I was scared that I might accidentally hurt myself. I did the right thing and clocked myself on to a couch and began the work.
With the narcissist, I was merely traumatized again and again and again. Prior to this narcissist, I was pretty well acquainted with creating trauma which so often is called drama by those that do not want to be reminded of the original experience. My triggers were anything but situations that but real; meaning that small things triggered trauma but they did not hold the real substance which is traumatizing.
So to say I lived a life of defense mechanisms and hyper vigilance. Well, with the N I get the real thing. It all sort of built up through the years and it topped off, came to a head during those 3 years invested with this maN.
I would assume that each and every one of us affected by a narcissist has a certain amount of trauma. I might go as far as to say that the N-relationship will bring up all past traumas that haven't been dealt with and that I believe is why it is so overwhelming.
I write this as food for thought. It has been my most recent knowledge the trauma hides and comes out later when something brings it to a head. A traumatizing situation is often seen as the one and only when there are plenty of prior experiences: a family member, a situation as a child in school, perhaps a medical situation...operations and such.
So for me looking at the N was merely the icing on the cake.
As I understand it now, the N was a reenactment of something that already existed. I wasn't aware that my upbringing included abuse. I didn't know I was traumatized, but I was and I had been living this way my whole life.
I have never told my story about the N because my story is far bigger than just that one scenario. Focusing on the N may be the only trauma for some of us but I would place my bets, because most people (if not all) have some trauma in his/her history...it is human; that the N-trauma is connected to more pain that hasn't been dealt with.
This is a well thought out opinion and an educated guess, yet all of this is food for thought.
Looking beyond the N and into self and history is most important in order to heal. Trauma therapy is a must.
Love,
eyes_up
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