Monday, December 5, 2011

Fighting Smart by Talia

Fighting Smart

Define your goal and keep this at the forefront of your mind at all times as you consider your actions. 

A: What is the end result that you're striving for? Make a list, define everything on your list. From the best financial security possible for yourself/children to freedom, health, happiness and everything between.

B: When considering what course of action to take, ask yourself if it's in alignment with your goal. Will the course of action/decision help or hurt you. Know the laws, know yourself, know your narcissist.  Consider all the possible outcomes of your decision based on the knowledge you have and choose wisely.

C: Don't make decisions when in an emotional state. Recognize the signs of being emotionally triggered. If this happens, take care of yourself. The narcissist has an irrational mind. It's imperative you are in a rational state of mind so you can make good decisions. This is not the time to follow your heart, this is the time your head must take the lead.

Don't make the fight personal. It's not about winning against him; it's about winning for you. The fight is about achieving the best possible outcome for yourself/and or children.

A: Accept that there will be no restitution for the emotional pain that was caused you. Attempting to even the score, exact justice, cause the narcissist emotional injury, etc. is fighting a losing battle. This is not what the battle is about. The Narcissist is psychologically defended against understanding your reality. Get your angries out somewhere else, in some other manner. 

Understand and Accept that you will never be compensated for your emotional injuries.

B: Verbal confrontations with the narcissist will set you back. Any and all criticism (no matter how slight) translates into a threat in the mind of a narcissist. Narcissists will feel the need to defend themselves, causing them to be on the offensive in order to establish control. You cannot predict what manner of behavior the narcissist will choose to get back at you. In the court room, this will add more fuel to the fire that already exists. Outside of the courtroom, it could possibly escalate abusive behavior - emotionally, physically or both. 

Be smart, your safety is at stake. Again, you cannot predict behavior in the mind of a disordered person. They may not be able to control their impulses before going too far. If you have children, they need an emotionally and physically healthy parent to care for them. Don't lose sight of your goal. You've got plenty to deal with already, don't make your job any harder.

Arm yourself with knowledge and use it to your advantage.

A: Educate yourself on the divorce laws in your state.

B: Search for an attorney who is knowledgeable about personality disorders/high conflict people. You may have to educate your attorney/assist them with your knowledge.

C: Educate yourself on protecting yourself financially.

D: Keep the battle confined to the courtroom. This does not mean the narcissist will do the same. Be prepared for that and to act/react accordingly to what's in your best interest.

E: Whatever evidence you have to use to your advantage, this is the place to use it. You are in partnership with your attorney so work with your attorney and keep the evidence private.  Don't threaten the narcissist with it. Narcissists will not show you their cards, and neither should you show them yours. 

F: Seek advice and support from knowledgeable and objective sources. Find a support group that will offer sound advice while you construct a plan that achieves your goals.  

Be strong. Be smart. Carefully consider the choices you make. 

Know when to hold 'em, 
know when to fold 'em, 
know when to walk away, 
know when to run