Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cutting Our Losses

"The only true way to free ourselves does not lie in trying to "unweave" the mess of the web! The trick is to "cut" ourselves free, just cut ourselves loose and have the courage to free fall." ~Sadie 

Cutting Our Losses

by Sadie

I got a sweet message from an old friend yesterday.  This is a woman that I taught school with in 1985, my 1st year as a full-time teacher, and just 3 months after I married the ex; coincidentally exactly when I also became pregnant and he began to show his true self.

She was the only one who realized I was in trouble, and who calmly encouraged me to cut my losses. Oh, but that I had been ready to listen then!  When we met, I was in my early twenties, and she was in her early 50's.

So yesterday, some 20 + years later, she wrote me and said that she had told me several years ago to cut my losses, and now she was going to give me the same advice, only hope that this time I was finally ready to take it.  She said that she could tell that I was still searching for understanding, or resolution or closure, because that is so much of who I am, but that every time I wasted time thinking about "old what's his name" I was still giving him time, and energy that he didn't deserve, that I needed to realize that there are people in this world who are just jerks.

 And that is going to have to be my answer.  That there are some people who no matter how long or hard we search we will never find redemptive qualities in, because they have not made choices worthy of it...not worthy of our love, compassion, but mostly, not worthy of our time and energy......and it is time that I just cut my losses.

This web that abuse tangles us in gets so intricate. The N's in our lives are so good at twisting and weaving. We get so used to lying there, stuck, just easy prey for them to come and bite when they want. Suck a little blood now and then or take a bite when they are hungry, and then skulk off to feed on whoever else they have caught in their net and then we just lie there tangled until we are finally ready to move.

But when we start moving, I think we make the mistake, like I did, of thinking that the only escape is to untangle ourselves. Like retrace the path and figure out exactly how we got there.  We go about trying to patch up the damage, fix what went wrong, protect ourselves and others from the mess we have discovered. What we don't see is that that is an even bigger mess. All we manage to do is get even more tangled and the N's have a feeding frenzy as they watch with glee as this time we hang ourselves in the tangled mess as we struggle to get free. We double their pleasure and double their fun as this time we are stuck on the web with the knowledge of what they are, instead of just stuck in denial....that must be a power surge for them like no other..

I think maybe my friend is right. The only true way to free ourselves does not lie in trying to "unweave" the mess of the web! The trick is to "cut" ourselves free, just cut ourselves loose and have the courage to free fall. When we think of them, choose a substitute behavior like music or get busy doing something that doesn't remind us of them and don't allow our minds to ponder them when we don't have to.

And then after we have found our land legs again, after we have found the strength and courage to stand on our own, that is when we should be looking for the why's and how's so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.

I have been doing it backwards. It's easy to do because we are drained from them; we have no self-esteem; we are afraid of repeating mistakes..........

I am not advocating that any of us do anything simply motivated by revenge, but the best revenge for what we have given them, and what they have taken from us is to move on. So that is going to be my goal for 2009: cut my losses in every possible way.  Because we have kids I will have to deal with him some, but I can minimize that every chance I get.

It is time to truly dedicate myself to good books, meeting new people, rediscovering the person that I used to know and like: me.  ME, before he beat me down. I don't imagine it will happen all at once, but any progress will be worth it.

I wish you all more of you and less of them............Sadie Wu

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