Friday, February 4, 2011

Divorcing a Narcissist

"If I had a chance to go thru all this all over again, it would have been different. I don't want to scare anyone, but I want everyone to understand that the narcissist has many hidden aspects to his personality and you may not be aware of all of them at this time. I would suggest to get the divorce and layout terms that will financially secure you but do not allow the narcissist to drag you into a long legal process just because he has the money to do it---and the hate to execute it. Everything can be appealed and filed for review. Get the divorce, get healthy, and then approach anything that you may have missed.” 

Divorcing a Narcissist: a personal narrative

There were so many different things happening at one time that I could not get a grip on any of it. I was scared to death. I felt as if I did not have any control over any aspect of my life and that I had strangers deciding the fate of me and my two children.   

Attorney and the Court 
The job of the attorney is to divide assets and dissolve the marriage. The court will listen to the facts and make a decision based on those facts. There may or may not be much imput from the court. It seems as though that everyone in the legal system is busy and booked that we are just another couple coming thru the system waiting our turn. Remember that the legal group are not a set of therapists, cannot predict how your life will turn out, nor are they emotional. The legal group is business only, care about now and securing your future rights such as benefits, child support issues etc, and to end this relationship as soon as possible. However, always keep in mind that even though the DIVORCE is final, the financial aspect of the divorce can go on for years. However, on the flip side, just because you are divorced, does not mean that any information that you find out later could not be approached in a legal manner. 

I have very strong thoughts and opinions on this issue. My XN was relentless in pursing every issue. He used the legal system to control me through finances and ruin me for several years to come. After his initial abandment feelings wore off and he secured his position with someone else, he targeted all his hate from his entire life on me and the kids. It was horrible! If I had to do it all over again, I would do the following:

1) get the divorce - this will allow you to become emotionally healthier quicker. A long drawn out divorce adds additional emotional problems and still can expose you to abuse, in which the court does not care. A combination of the N with the legal system, challenges the NON N spouse to the point of a breakdown. I think that the best approach is to get the divorce, get the N out of your environment so that you could get healthy to make good decisions that will affect your future. After so much abuse, how could anyone think that we were/are capable of making good decisions without reservations. Save yourself, get him out of yourself and break the chains of control that he has had over you for many years. Once you are separated, the emeshing will begin to break down and you will be two different entities and you with your own healthy personality. This is when you can use your business sense.

Overtime, you may uncover issues concerning your married finances. I know that I have. I felt a shock after shock on what I found out about my spouse and one big issue was money. Ns love themselves and they love money. It gives them power and control. An N does not want to part with any of HIS money.

I learned several big lessons concerning the N and money and his double talk. The law states that each spouse is awared 50 percent of the assets. The N has no choice about his so he will have to comply. But remember that the N believes that no one is entitled to any of HIS money except him so he will lie, beg in court and paint a picture of poverty so that he could keep his hidden assets. What I failed to figure out is that the N will agree to divide any KNOWN ASSETS. Looking back, it was me that turn in legal papers concerning money and if I found something more, there were really no consequences to the court. What I did not reveal is his so why would an N reveal anything that you do not know. HE WILL ONLY REVEAL KNOWN ASSETS.

This is OK. After the divorce, you have the opportunity to present any new evidence of existing money during your marriage and still work on this issue. I am 'laying low' sort of speak, and recouping my finances, but will file in court assets that I found out about and will couple it with fraud. It turned out this way because during the divorce, I could not think or function and I did not fully understand the manipulation of the N nor the relationship that the N had with money, but I still have options. It is just at a later date.

I also have a strong feeling that since my 'divorce' was a constant five years, my attorney was worn out. She was sick of me, sick of him, wanted me out of her life, started slacking on her role, and the Judge was forming an option. I would have been better off of getting the divorce before everyone got to the point of exhaustion and attained a new attorney to take care of pending issues. This way, the case is always with a new supply of legals with a desire to work for me in MY interest. I should have let my attorney take care of the divorce, and made sure that I was secured in the best possible position that the law allows. Now, I will let her go and get another attorney to work on matters that the N did not reveal and that I am entitled too.

I would like to suggest doing the following:

1) have your attorney obtain a credit report on your spouse's name only. My spouse's credit report indicated that he had property. I was not aware of this and this provided him his home away from home and his alibi for his two week business trips. I am entitled to the profits of that property. He did not reveal and I am now strong enough to go after the profit plus fraud.

2) Obtain a copy of your credit report. You can get this free on line. You are entitled to one free report a year. If you don't know the web, I will look it up and provide it.

3) get a depostion from your spouse right before the legal divorce. The N will lie and incriminate himself. Carefully listen to the words and try to read between the lines so that you could ask specific questions. My spouse claimed in court that he was homeless, he told the kids at therapy sessions that he was homeless but he was enjoying life in a beach front property off of Hilton Head, golfing at exclusive southern country clubs and going to scuba diving vacations. Everyone in the courtroom was stunned and he buried himself saying this but he insisted that he was homeless. He also enjoyed a six figure income.

It just dawned on me a few weeks ago, that the narcissist is homeless. He is an N that has no home. He has no DEED to a home and thus making him homeless. His definition of homeless is different than that of Websters. But the court did not care where he lives, he could be homeless, he just has to be sure that IF he has a relationship with the kids, he has a place for them to meet. Of course, the court would think that an apartment would be logical but NO, the N won't pay for rent so they could meet at a resturant and have dinner and he could go back to his world of his fake travels and sleep here and there while in town, all for free. So what did the N do to satify the court, gave the court and the kids an address. I was not familar with the street so I found it to be an UPS store that was next to a Superwalmart. The Judge thought it was strange but did not care just so long the kids were safe. Again, going out to eat was the best option. But of course, since he lost his job and access to the company credit card, he could not have SOMEONE ELSE pay for the meal, so dinner is out. The kids never visited with him or had dinner. This is just way of the N to talk double talk and get out of his obligations with his BS. So what I am trying to say is to listen to the words and redefine them.

4) after you have the credit report and deposition from him, get the divorce.

Remember, all materialistic things are replaceable. There are a few things that I really wanted and was heartbroken but I have them up thinking that the N would just go away. He didn't and he continued to want it all. Now, a few years later, the things that I do have, I don't want anymore. I want new things without any trace or the N. I want my surroundings to be new. I am ready to start a new life with new surroundings and leave the past life with any momentos of the N, behind. I want the dreadful past to be right where it is and that is behind my AZZ. ( I knew that my rear was getting wider for a reason, to cover up that mistake of the past, hahah)
The only thing that came out of NOT getting the divorce sooner was me getting poorer. It is time for YOU to get rid of the N, start getting your entitlement for claiming your own life and to live a life in decency. This is not about the N and what he wants or what he wants to give you, this is about YOU freeing yourself from the N and moving on. That is the goal.

THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON TO END THIS REATIONSHIP AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE is for your childrens' sakes. The N will not hesitate using a child for his or her own needs. My children were dragged into every legal aspect of this divorce and I don't know how they managed to function and turn out somewhat normal. Save your child. There is no relationship with the N, even with their own children.

Susie Orman always ends her show with a phrase that says something like, "people first and then money." She is right! But an N's motto, it's "money first and then people."

Get the Divorce over and then when the N thinks that you were stupid and he got away with everything that he is hiding, that is when you can strike. This is when you could get a restraining order and he will have to deal with how you control things. He is in for a big surprise and that day will come when you will be fully aware of what was going on all these years.

© 2010

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