Are you feeling like this forum member? She wrote:
"Thank you all so much for being here! I'd be lost without this place. I've told my husband to leave, that we are better off alone. Now amidst tears he wants more time to think! "What if I'm wrong, what if I end it, what if I stay?"
Too late. His choice was made when he left me in a puddle of tears and went to her! By doing that he broke me free of the chains I've been wearing too long. This was never my cross to bear, it’s his fight yet he won’t--so time to let go.
Time to be there for my kids, really be there, without worrying about their dad hurting me again. I'm proud of myself for keeping it together, he will no longer see my tears, he no longer deserves them. I deserve better and somehow I remembered that this weekend. It hurts but this hurt will heal one day. Now all I need to do is hang on tight!"
This sounds like a simple thing to do but when we've been rejected, humiliated, demeaned and disrespected, this exercise can be harder than climbing Mount Everest in plastic sandals. I know. I stood in front of my mirror and wept. In all honesty, I didn't really believe what I was saying, but said it anyway because my therapist asked me to say it. I still need a reminder from time-to-time when old nagging haunts strike fear in my heart that I'm not lovable.
I have one more piece of advice from personal experience, too. And it's simple to say but not so simple to do:
PLEASE HAVE MORE COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN THAN YOU DO FOR THE NARCISSIST WHO DEMANDS COMPASSION YET OFFERS NONE TO OTHERS
When you feel bad about kicking his gnarly butt out of the house, think of your children. When you feel guilty about kicking his gnarly second-guessing butt out of the house, think of yourself.
When you feel guilty about letting him go this time, post a message on the forum. He depends on your pity, your compassion, and your guilt to keep you in place so he can hedge his bets with his next new love.
You Are NOT Second-Best.
You are the mother of his children and if he truly cared about his children, he would respect you as their mother. He doesn't. Respect yourself. He Can't. Let that foolish man go.
Hugs to all,
CZBZ
