One thing has come into startling clarity: WoN women are quick to admit their faults and weaknesses. What they are not so quick to admit are their strengths. Far too frequently, women assign strength to the narcissist, not themselves. They write glowingly about the narcissist’s qualities, attributes and strengths that they will miss when the relationship ends. At the same time they are describing his courage, they are describing themselves in polar opposite terms: “He is courageous---I’m afraid. He is assertive---I’m reticent. He is strong---- I’m weak. I can’t even keep my own promises to myself! He is self-disciplined---I'm such a flake.”
As a group, we study co-narcissism and codependency, review psychological profiles of the typical partner-of-N-personality, cry over Women Who Love Too Much, and examine dysfunctional family systems. We step up to owning our shadow, admitting to and taking responsibility for our behavior. We label each flaw with color-coordinated markers, stacking them in nifty alphabetical categories for multi-tasking efficiency. When we work up to the letter C, we’ll challenge our codependency, caustic character traits, and controlling behaviors. (In the secret chambers of our heart, we hope that when we get to X, Y, and Z, we’ll finally earn the narcissist’s approval.)
Before we reach X, Y, and Z however, something magical happens. She realizes it was her goodness that attracted the narcissist, not her flaws. Her talents and tender heart made her desirable; her willingness to cooperate, desire to love, and forgive, made her attractive. Her courage, confidence and fortitude sustained the relationship for as long as it could. She was the reflection her partner needed to see. She does not know that though. She does not know that because the narcissist surreptitiously and deviously, undermines her self-respect and self-esteem.
“We tell on ourselves for the things we've done wrong but we never toot our own horn for the things we do that are glorious, joyful, helpful, caring, & sharing"~TXGal
During my divorce, I specifically remember saying to my father on the telephone: "I am the one with the courage? Is that true? My husband is the coward running the other direction?” This was truth on a visceral level, resisted as it might be through the despairing lenses of loss and grief. And my old Dad (definitely more humble after years of having his ego refined by his daughters) said, "You didn't know that already?"
Far too often, we are so exhausted from trying and hopeless from failing, that we focus on our weaknesses and insecurities instead of our strengths. Until we become aware and accept our strengths and goodness too, we err in being overly critical, judgmental and unloving to ourselves.
Love your strengths by validating them. You don’t need to hand out an Attribute List at your next company meeting, but you must draw them from out of the shadows, welcoming and accepting your goodness as an essential part of yourself.
In our blame-the-victim culture, being conscious of your goodness and comfortable in your skin, will counter ignorant assumptions and insults. Let people believe what they want need to believe in to make themselves feel okay. Continue to shine your light. Don't fear attracting another narcissist. When you are fully conscious of your value and worth, you will know the difference between an authentic person---and a person-pretending-to-be-you.
Love,
CZBZ
© 2011WebOfNarcissism.com
