The WoN Connection

2012-12-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

“Connectedness is what our purpose as human beings is about. It's a primal need. It feels that way to me. My life feels meaningless without being connected to others. "I consider it a gift to belong here. The support I have received is crucial to my healing journey. The aloneness is unbearable in the immediate aftermath of the NPD relationship..” ~Talia

Article: "Together, we have WoN!"

Brene Brown on "Connections"

"The Journey" by Mary Oliver

Turning negative self-talk into a song!

2012-02-26T15:40:00.000-08:00

Brain Rats
by Barbara McAfee

Chorus

Brain rats...I've got brain rats

A pestilential blight upon my mind

Brain rats are the wicked thoughts that prove my every flaw

And every hopeful notion gives them something new to gnaw

I hear them chewing in the night and on and off all day

They've really got my number . . . oh the awful stuff they say

Chorus

Brain Rats I’ve got brain rats

A pestilential blight upon my mind

My mother says she loves me but no doubts she’s telling lies

And friends are all just enemies in ingenious disguise

There’s no one to be trusted and that’s including me

The best approach to human beings is fierce misanthropy

Chorus

Brain Rats I’ve got brain rats

A pestilential blight upon my mind

I need a lot more money than I’ll ever live to earn

And late at night I count my debts as I fret and toss and turn

I’m one step from the poor house - I can’t make it on my own

I’ll be just like that match girl dying cold and all alone

Chorus

Brain Rats I’ve got brain rats

A pestilential blight upon my mind

They torture with such cunning like little Marquises de Sade

And wreak unstinting havoc beneath my cool facade

They tell me I’m worse than everyone - my problems can’t be solved

And I’m the piece of crap around which this whole world revolves

Chorus

Brain Rats I’ve got brain rats

A pestilential blight upon my mind

Excerpted from Taming Your Brain Rats:

"Lessons in love: how volunteering saved my life" with Louise Gallagher

2012-02-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

"Louise Gallagher has a remarkable personal story that has turned tragic circumstances into a life filled with passion and joy. Her book 'The Dandelion Spirit' was turned into a documentary for the Oprah Network and has touched people's lives across North America. Louise's work at the Calgary Drop-In Centre includes inspiring efforts like the development of the Possibilities Project that uses art in its many forms to keep people of the streets. She has the soul of a warrior poet and her story is transformative." ~YouTube link

Excerpts from her talk:

"It is in the human connection that we see each others as human beings on this journey of our life. Volunteering is an act of love. It is always first and foremost, an act of love."

"When you believe you have nothing left to give, that's the TIME to give! It is time to share LOVE...In the virtual room of the Internet Forum, I began to give back more and more."

"In our giving, we receive so much more than we give."

An interview with Ellie by CZBZ

Ellie's Page on The WoN Connection

"In light of our individualistic societies, golden fairies counter the disconnecting impact of a self-admiring, self-promotional, fragmenting narcissism. Our Golden Fairy Award respects their compassion giving honor to their courage to care. As fundamental as connections were in our evolutionary past, they may be even more crucial for survival today." ~About WoN's Golden Fairy Award

Chameli Ardagh: The Fierce Face of the Feminine

2012-01-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

"In this talk Chameli Ardagh will speak on how to allow for a natural response towards injustice, without creating more hurt, how to embody the power and beauty of feminine rage, why we are called to step up and give voice to the power of the fierce feminine, and how anger is not intrinsically negative, only what we do with. Chameli will also show how an ancient goddess archetype of the fierce aspects of the feminine are highly relevant and illuminating for women and girls today." YouTube link

"When we finally get in touch with our anger, it's as if a thousand years of suppressed anger begs expression." Paraphrased from the TEDx video lecture.

Ardagh's website: Awakening Women

Posts by Chameli Ardagh

Don't ask WHY--- Ask "WHO does that" instead!

2012-01-06T15:06:00.000-08:00

Sandra Brown writes:

"Cluster B's behaviors are generated out of a complex interweaving of emotional, developmental, neuro, biochemical, and even genetic abnormalities. Obviously, this is not a ‘simple' disorder or there would be less ‘inevitable harm' associated with everyone and everything they touch and they would be cured or even managed consistently and well.

"This complicated group of disorders single-handedly sets society on edge. It keeps us in court, in therapy, in prayer, in the lawyer's office, in depression, in anxiety, on edge, on the offense, ready to off ourselves to simply be away from such menacing (yet often normal appearing) deviancy.

"Who wreaks more emotional havoc than Cluster B's? 60 million persons in the US alone are negatively impacted by someone else's pathology. It drives people to therapy, to commit their own petty acts of revenge to avenge their own powerlessness, drives people to drink, to run away, to take their children and run, and sadly leads to uncountable amounts of suicides every year...

"...As each system deals with their own view of a specific act the person has done, we miss the wide broad category that these people fall under. We miss the bigger implication of what goes with that category. We miss the fact that those who fall under these pathological disorders have largely low, or no, positive treatment outcomes. Each system dealing with a behavior, only sees the person through their own behavioral specialty. Yet we are all talking about the same disorders in action.

"When we ask ‘WHO does that?' we immediately become brothers and sisters in the same battle against pathology. We begin to see the ‘who' within the act, the disorder that perpetrates these same acts, behaviors, or crimes. It's the same sub-set of disorders that have different focuses but the same outcome: inevitable harm." ~Excerpted from Who Does That?

Click here to read Part One and Part Two of Sandra Brown's article, "WHO does that?"

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Check out other topics addressed by Sandra Brown on her blog

PathologicalRelationships

Dealing with a problem partner

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Visit Sandra's website:

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

and Public Pathology Education

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Sandra L. Brown, M.A., CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education is a psychopathologist, program development specialist, lecturer, and an award-winning author. Her books include Counseling Victims of Violence: A Handbook for Helping Professionals (1991, 2006), How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved Book and Workbook (2005) and Women Who Love Psychopaths (2008).

Sandra is recognized for her pioneering work on women's issues related to relational harm with Cluster B/Axis II disordered partners and specializes in the development of Pathological Love Relationship clinical training and survivor support services. Her books, CD's, DVD's, and other training materials have been used as curriculum in drug rehabs, women's organizations and shelters, women's jail and prison programs, school and college-based programs, inner city projects, and various psychology and sociology programs and distributed in almost every country of the world.

Her collaborative research on Women Who Love Psychopaths was recently presented at the Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy as well as the Ruth Ginsberg Lecture Series Women and The Law on Domestic Violence, and Domestic Violence Provider and Batterer Intervention Training in which her unique focus on Pathological Love Relationships has been featured.

Under her direction The Institute has developed a comprehensive on-line psychopathology magazine interviewing some of the country's leading researchers on personality disorders and neurobiology, a Therapist Certification Program in Pathological Love Relationships, a Peer-Support Coaching Program, and a Model of Care Approach for Treatment Centers. The Institute's first hospital inpatient treatment program opened late summer of 2009.

Sandra's previous work included the founding and directing of Bridgework Counseling Center, a multi-faceted mental health treatment center for Trauma Disorders, Treatment of Personality Disorders, and one of the country's first long-term residential programs for women with Dissociative Identity Disorder. She was also a pathologist on a Woman's Trauma Inpatient Hospital Program. She facilitated groups on PTSD and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as well as individual treatment. Sandra holds a Master's Degree in Counseling. ~Psychology Today

Fighting Smart by Talia

2011-12-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

Fighting Smart

Define your goal and keep this at the forefront of your mind at all times as you consider your actions.

A: What is the end result that you're striving for? Make a list, define everything on your list. From the best financial security possible for yourself/children to freedom, health, happiness and everything between.

B: When considering what course of action to take, ask yourself if it's in alignment with your goal. Will the course of action/decision help or hurt you. Know the laws, know yourself, know your narcissist. Consider all the possible outcomes of your decision based on the knowledge you have and choose wisely.

C: Don't make decisions when in an emotional state. Recognize the signs of being emotionally triggered. If this happens, take care of yourself. The narcissist has an irrational mind. It's imperative you are in a rational state of mind so you can make good decisions. This is not the time to follow your heart, this is the time your head must take the lead.

Don't make the fight personal. It's not about winning against him; it's about winning for you. The fight is about achieving the best possible outcome for yourself/and or children.

A: Accept that there will be no restitution for the emotional pain that was caused you. Attempting to even the score, exact justice, cause the narcissist emotional injury, etc. is fighting a losing battle. This is not what the battle is about. The Narcissist is psychologically defended against understanding your reality. Get your angries out somewhere else, in some other manner.

Understand and Accept that you will never be compensated for your emotional injuries.

B: Verbal confrontations with the narcissist will set you back. Any and all criticism (no matter how slight) translates into a threat in the mind of a narcissist. Narcissists will feel the need to defend themselves, causing them to be on the offensive in order to establish control. You cannot predict what manner of behavior the narcissist will choose to get back at you. In the court room, this will add more fuel to the fire that already exists. Outside of the courtroom, it could possibly escalate abusive behavior - emotionally, physically or both.

Be smart, your safety is at stake. Again, you cannot predict behavior in the mind of a disordered person. They may not be able to control their impulses before going too far. If you have children, they need an emotionally and physically healthy parent to care for them. Don't lose sight of your goal. You've got plenty to deal with already, don't make your job any harder.

Arm yourself with knowledge and use it to your advantage.

A: Educate yourself on the divorce laws in your state.

B: Search for an attorney who is knowledgeable about personality disorders/high conflict people. You may have to educate your attorney/assist them with your knowledge.

C: Educate yourself on protecting yourself financially.

D: Keep the battle confined to the courtroom. This does not mean the narcissist will do the same. Be prepared for that and to act/react accordingly to what's in your best interest.

E: Whatever evidence you have to use to your advantage, this is the place to use it. You are in partnership with your attorney so work with your attorney and keep the evidence private. Don't threaten the narcissist with it. Narcissists will not show you their cards, and neither should you show them yours.

F: Seek advice and support from knowledgeable and objective sources. Find a support group that will offer sound advice while you construct a plan that achieves your goals.

Be strong. Be smart. Carefully consider the choices you make.

Know when to hold 'em,

know when to fold 'em,

know when to walk away,

know when to run

Love,

Talia

©WebOfNarcissism.com

How to Help Older Divorcing Women Avoid the Bag Lady Blues

2011-12-01T10:10:00.000-08:00

How to Help Older Divorcing Women Avoid the Bag Lady Blues

by Carol Ann Wilson (2006)

"I don't want to be a bag lady!" This is a common refrain these days by millions of women across the country. And no wonder. Seventy-five percent of the elderly poor in the United States are women, according to the U.S. Department of Human Services. The majority of these women are single, due to divorce or the death of a spouse. Divorced women are swelling the poverty rolls. Why? The courts are trying to split the marital property 50/50, yet they traditionally overlook one major asset of a marriage: the husband's career. Unfortunately, many courts don't recognize career assets as property. These assets include:

• Health insurance

• Life insurance

• Disability insurance

• Vacation pay

• Sick pay

• Education and training

• Seniority and networking

• Potential earning power

In creating a financially equitable settlement, it is important to remember that property is divided just once, but career assets continue to produce income regularly for years..."

To read this pdf article, click on the title or HERE

Carol Ann Wilson, CFP®, Certified Financial Divorce Practitioner®, in Longmont, Colorado, has been a recognized specialist in marital financial issues for more than 20 years and is a pioneer in the field of divorce financial planning. She has served as an expert witness in court in over 120 divorce cases nationwide. She is on the board of directors for the Academy of Financial Divorce Practitioners, which trains financial professionals. Information is available at www.academyfdp.org. Wilson is also the author of The Financial Guide to Divorce Settlement and 40 Tips for Surviving Your Divorce, and co-author of The Survival Manual for Women in Divorce, The Survival Manual for Men in Divorce, The Dollars and Sense of Divorce, and ABCs in Divorce for Women.

©WebOfNarcissism.com

You Are Not Second-Best

2011-11-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

Are you feeling like this forum member? She wrote:

"Thank you all so much for being here! I'd be lost without this place. I've told my husband to leave, that we are better off alone. Now amidst tears he wants more time to think! "What if I'm wrong, what if I end it, what if I stay?"

Too late. His choice was made when he left me in a puddle of tears and went to her! By doing that he broke me free of the chains I've been wearing too long. This was never my cross to bear, it’s his fight yet he won’t--so time to let go.

Time to be there for my kids, really be there, without worrying about their dad hurting me again. I'm proud of myself for keeping it together, he will no longer see my tears, he no longer deserves them. I deserve better and somehow I remembered that this weekend. It hurts but this hurt will heal one day. Now all I need to do is hang on tight!"

Please sear this image in your mind: "You are a WoNderful Woman of Worth". Say it out loud. Stand in front of your bathroom mirror and don't wince your eyes or snarl at yourself. Don't snicker in embarrassment or even out of shame for loving yourself exactly as you are.

This sounds like a simple thing to do but when we've been rejected, humiliated, demeaned and disrespected, this exercise can be harder than climbing Mount Everest in plastic sandals. I know. I stood in front of my mirror and wept. In all honesty, I didn't really believe what I was saying, but said it anyway because my therapist asked me to say it. I still need a reminder from time-to-time when old nagging haunts strike fear in my heart that I'm not lovable.

I have one more piece of advice from personal experience, too. And it's simple to say but not so simple to do:

PLEASE HAVE MORE COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN THAN YOU DO FOR THE NARCISSIST WHO DEMANDS COMPASSION YET OFFERS NONE TO OTHERS

When you feel bad about kicking his gnarly butt out of the house, think of your children. When you feel guilty about kicking his gnarly second-guessing butt out of the house, think of yourself.

When you feel guilty about letting him go this time, post a message on the forum. He depends on your pity, your compassion, and your guilt to keep you in place so he can hedge his bets with his next new love.

You Are NOT Second-Best.

You are the mother of his children and if he truly cared about his children, he would respect you as their mother. He doesn't. Respect yourself. He Can't. Let that foolish man go.

Hugs to all,

CZBZ

Jean Twenge: Look at Me! Self-esteem or Narcissism

2011-11-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

The narcissist thinks: “I am special. I am extraordinary. I am smarter, better-looking and more talented than other people.”

The fact is: narcissists are not smarter or any more successful than anyone else. They just "think" they are. The frustrating thing is that it can take a long time for objective reality to change their ‘subjective’ view even when there’s inarguable evidence to the contrary.

Dr. Jean Twenge talks about narcissism as a personality trait, our obsession with celebrities, our narcissistic fame-seeking culture, parenting, reality TV…lots of interesting comments about narcissism in our general (non-clinical) population.

She reminds us that narcissists are horrible partners, horrid. We might be attracted to them but their inability to compromise will complicate any relationship...of that, there is no doubt!

Building community will reign back our self-centeredness because we place checks on one another. The more connections we have with others in community and on a personal level, the more our own self-centeredness is held in check.

Enjoy!

Dr. Jean Twenge is the co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic. You can read more about her credentials HERE.

©WebofNarcissism.com

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit

2011-10-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

"The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video provides solid admissible legal documentation and answers, for victims such as those murdered across the country in every State and all unsolved intimate partner violence and homicide cases in the county. Allegations and fears that arise when a person has disappeared when they announce the relationship is ending, gone or have been found dead."~Susan Murphy Milano

If you would like to know more about the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, read this excellent article by Susan Murphy Milano: Intimate Partner Harm Reduction Act

For more information:

Incredible Break Throughs in Victim Safety by Dr. Sandra Brown

Time'sUp: How to Escape Abusive and Stalking Relationships Guide by Susan Murphy Milano (Amazon.com link)

Courage Network "Building courage by working together"

Four-part video series: Temporary Restraining Order

2011-10-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

“When you first get protection under the law, it is only temporary. The order is called a T.R.O. for Temporary Restraining Order. You must return to court on the date indicated in the T.R.O., which will be about 10 days later in most states. Both you and the abuser will be asked to appear in court on that date. During the 10-day period, the police or Sheriff's Office will serve the abuser with a copy of the order so the abuser will know when the hearing is scheduled. Keep a copy of the order with you and give a copy to the police in any town where you think the abuser might bother you.” ~Divorce Support

Click to view: Final Restraining Order (Six-part video self-help)

Pamela Meyer: How to Spot a Liar

2011-10-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

“On any given day we're lied to from 10 to 200 times, and the clues to detect those lie can be subtle and counter-intuitive. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, shows the manners and "hotspots" used by those trained to recognize deception -- and she argues honesty is a value worth preserving.”

Dumb Mistakes Mothers Sometimes Make

2011-10-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

From the site: Custody Preparation for Moms

DUMB MISTAKES MOTHERS SOMETIMES MAKE

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THESE UNLESS YOU WANT TO RISK LOSING YOUR CHILDREN

1) Do not withhold visitation unless the children have physical injuries or strong indications of sexual abuse. If this is the case, consult an attorney immediately and consider filing a motion requesting an emergency hearing if you do withhold visitation. With all other concerns, you've got to work w/the court and hope for the best. Sometimes even with injuries and sexual abuse, women can be accused of making false allegations. This is a serious problem in today's family court rooms. You are going to need legal advice.

2) Drop the hostility about other women - the one your ex had an affair with, the one he left you for, the current girlfriend, the new wife, whatever the case may be--if you are in a custody battle, that will be used to make you look vindictive, hateful, and unable to put aside marital issues for parenting issues. The courts generally do not consider men's indiscretion as having any bearing on custody. Occasionally, if there are sleep-overs or cohabitation when the kids are in the home with the ex, this may carry some weight. Otherwise, there are far bigger fish to fry than the ex's sexual indiscretions.

3) It is not advisable to call the police on your ex over things that occur during visitation, vile or not. It will get you in custody hot water. The exception is physical violence against you or the children. Obviously, safety is paramount.

4) Do not isolate yourself - You are going to need family and friends to support you through this and be witnesses for you in court. However, choose your confidantes extremely carefully and watch what you say. Sometimes even well-meaning family and friends can disclose things you said that can reflect negatively upon you. Many victims of abuse have had abusive childhoods. If this is the case for you, be mentally prepared that your ex will likely attempt to use the history of abuse in your family against you. If you have made a choice to distance yourself from abusive family members, be prepared that your ex will likely try to paint that as your inability to maintain familial relationships.

5) Do not remain unemployed -You must establish that you can support your children and not expect to live off alimony or child support. If child care is a problem, look into having family and friends help care for the kids so you can work and show stability. Check around town for resources--women's advocacy centers, etc. There may be some sort of daycare assistance programs that subsidize day care so low income women can work. Try not to take on too many hours--some women have been penalized for being working mothers--so try to demonstrate that you have flexibility to be available for your children's needs as much as possible. This is a double-edged sword for women in today's court climate.

6) Do not become depressed. See our articles on "Mental Preparation". Although situational depression is extremely common for women experiencing divorce and custody litigation, you must do everything in your power to fight it off. If you have been unsuccessful at keep depression at bay by the methods we recommend in our articles, and it is becoming incapacitating, please seek help from a reputable professional.

7) Do not even jokingly consider suicide. Killing yourself is a cruddy answer to your kids problems. Do you really think your children will be better off with a life with one abusive parent and no influence from their mother? Also, consider that if it becomes known to court personnel that you are considering or have considered suicide, you will likely be viewed as the less stable parent, which could jeopardize your chances to remain the primary parent for your children.

8) Don't show up for court looking like anything less than June Cleaver. If you think you are not going to be judged by your appearance, think again. If you have tattoos, multiple body piercings, purple hair and a penchant for leather and short skirts, save your individuality for days when yours and your children's future doesn't depend on it. Dress conservatively for all court appearances, evaluator and therapy appointments. Again, think June Cleaver--June was certainly a capable woman--she didn't take any guff from Ward or The Beav, but she always looked soft, feminine, conservative and maternal. Anyone who will appear in court in court with you--relatives, friends, co-workers, significant others--should also dress appropriately.

9) Do not bad-mouth your ex-husband to your children. If you have not heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS, you may be in for a shock. Start reading at our "links" page and the article titled "Parental Alienation and Other Misogynistic "Syndromes"". Even though this "syndrome" is a bogus one, court personnel across the nation have applied it or its spin-offs as a reason to remove custody from fit mothers. A fit mother can lose custody under allegations of this syndrome whether or not they have denigrated the father to their children. It is that dangerous. It is an abuser's attorney's dream defense strategy. Do not hand them your head on a platter and actually do this. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Your children will eventually establish their own relationship with their father, for better or for worse. Allow them to navigate their own way. Besides, bad-mouthing only cheapens you and mires you in unhealthy negative energy.

10) Do not lose control with the ex. You should assume that every exchange you have with your ex--in person, by telephone, by fax, by mail, by e-mail--is being documented or recorded in some way. It is not uncommon for some fathers to harass or goad the mothers of their children during custody litigation--be aware. Should you lose it with your ex, you may find it used as ammunition against you in court to paint you as "unstable". It is simply not worth the catharsis. If he loses control with you, disengage--calmly hang up the phone after stating your intention to do so, leave the room, think through the written word carefully.

11) Be very wary of efforts to reconcile during custody litigation. One mother we know met her ex for dinner to discuss reconciliation. She had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner at his urging. As soon as she left the restaurant, he called in a police report and she was arrested for DUI which he then used against her in the custody case.

12) Do not turn to crutches to get you through the pain and grief. There is no faster way to lose custody than to start using alcohol, drugs, gambling and men as such. There is no faster way to deteriorate your health than to turn to alcohol, drugs, late-nights, junk food, caffeine and cigarettes either. We are aware of cases in which the pivotal reason a parent lost custody was because they smoked. Be the healthy parent.

13) Do not cohabitate. No men should be staying overnight at your house with your children present during custody litigation. Yeah, sure, this is the 2000's…don't fool yourself. Judges typically do not like children to be exposed to these adult issues. For that matter--if you are a lesbian mother, these same rules regarding over-nighting and cohabitation apply.

14) Do not associate with men that a judge or evaluator may look unfavorably upon. If your new boyfriend or significant other has a terrible or inappropriate relationship with your children, you are not doing yourself any favors. If they have substance abuse problems, anger-management problems, arrest records, etc. your ex will find out and use this against you. We strongly recommend waiting to resume your dating life until you are officially divorced at the very least, and being exceptionally cautious from there forward. Judges may view your dating/sex life as a sign of your immaturity, instability and inability to put your children first. Think twice.

15) Don't automatically assume that you can move with your children. Judges are considering more and more the father's role in children's life, sometimes to the detriment of the child in situations of domestic violence, child abuse and neglect, a strong maternal bond, etc. Judges tend to favor the parent that is staying in the child's home environment unless there are strong reasons for the move. If you are just trying to get a fresh start and get away from the children's father, you may have an extreme uphill battle to convince the court that this move is in the children's best interests. Some states and courtrooms apply relocation restrictions.

16) Do not deprive the children's father of information. Unless there is a specific court order, even if you have sole custody, the father is entitled to receive information about schooling, extra-curricular activities, health care. Some women that have withheld such information or directed others to withhold it have had custody reversed based on "alienation" theories. It isn't worth the risk.

17) Do not withhold visitation due to non-payment of child support. The two issues are not linked. The children are not a financial pawn. You must use your legal and state child support enforcement agency remedies to collect unpaid child support. Child support is not meant to mean that the father gets to visit on a pay-as-you-go basis. These are separate orders.

18) Don't leave the marital home. The instant you leave the house, you yield a major advantage when it comes to gaining custody. The court may look at your decision to leave as a sign that your ex is the real custodial parent, that you are abandoning your children, or that you are flighty and unstable. Some judges actually view the house and the kids as one entity that is transferred together. If your spouse is abusive or the situation has become so volatile that it is harmful to the children, you may be able to file a motion to have your ex leave the marital home. If you feel you have no choice but to leave, take the children with you.

19) Beware of temporary separation agreements. Often the terms of a temporary written or verbal separation agreement become the final terms of divorce. Judges often look at the "status quo"--if a temporary arrangement has been agreed to and appears to have been working between the parties and the children, judges may be reluctant to change it.

21) Even if paternity has not yet been legally established, treat the prospective Fathers in the same way you would be required to if it had already been established. Courts are affording non-married fathers the same rights as married fathers. Do not assume that just because you were not married that the child is under your sole authority.

20) Don't sign a deal believing that you can easily renegotiate the custody arrangements later. It is very difficult to modify a final custody order, as the burden of proof is on the filing parent to show a substantial change of circumstances. Many mothers have trusted their former mates when they were told that they could leave the kids with him temporarily until they got "on their feet". Upon leaving the home, even possibly moving out of state to be where support systems are, they find their ex's have filed for full custody and received it.

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Visit their excellent site for more information on:

Mental Preparation, Safety Planning, Legal Preparation and Documentation

"Surviving is important, but thriving is elegant." ~Maya Angelou

Feeling Connected Makes Us Kind

2011-10-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

By Nadine Lueras-Tramma

September 15, 2011

A recent study suggests that our social connections inspire altruism

We all know that it feels good to feel connected to other people---indeed, research has even linked social connections to happiness, health, and a longer life.

But a recent study suggests that our feelings of connection don't just make us feel good; they also make us do good.

In the study, researchers tried a few different ways of making people feel connected to others, testing to see whether such feelings of "relatedness" motivated those people to perform kind, helpful---or "pro-social"---acts. Prior research has suggested that this sense of connection is one of three ingredients people need to really thrive in life: the other two are feeling capable of achieving their goals (known as "competence") and feeling in control of their own actions and decisions (known as "autonomy").

In one experiement, the researchers had participants read words associated with social connection (e.g., community, connected, relationship), then asked them how much they intended to volunteer for a charity. The results show that people were more willing to volunteer for a charity after reading those words than they were after reading a series of other, neutral words (e.g., book, lamp, shoe).

They were also more likely to want to volunteer after reading the social connection words than after reading words that evoked autonomy (e.g., freedom, choice, preference) or competence (e.g., skilled, expert, competent).

A second experiment suggests that these positive effects go well beyond volunteering. The researchers had participants write about a time that they felt a close bond with someone else, bringing to mind that feeling of connection. Then they asked how willing the participants were to perform five pro-social actions over the coming weeks, including giving money to charity and going out of their way to help a stranger in need.

Just thinking about their close connection boosted people's altruistic impulses: After writing about their relationship, they showed a stronger desire to help others than they did after writing about feeling competent, autonomous, or just after answering some banal questions (e.g., "I think that the color blue looks great on most people.")

And it seems like those feelings of connection do more than encourage good intentions; they also spur positive actions. In a third and final experiment, participants either read words evoking social connection or read neutral words, just like in the first experiment. Afterward, they were given the chance to anonymously donate some of the money they earned for participating in the study to the British Red Cross, which they were told was working with the researchers.

Nearly half of the participants who had been reminded of their social connections donated to the Red Cross, whereas fewer than 20 percent of the other participants did.

Although previous studies have suggested a link between altruism and feelings of relatedness, this study is the first to find that inducing those feelings can directly cause people to be kinder and more generous.

According to the researchers, their findings highlight the basic human need for belonging. In their paper, published in the Personality an dSocial Psychology Bulletin, they point to other research showing that feeling socially connected reduces aggression, whereas feeling excluded increases aggression and reduces pro-social behaviors.

Taken together, they argue, these findings suggest that helping people connect with others doesn't only benefit their own health and well-being but could benefit society as a whole. They call for more research to explore precisely how fostering social connections can boost pro-social behavior.

"Such research could promote simultaneously individual welfare and the welfare of others," they write, "in a way that would challenge the assumption that there is some kind of conflict between the two."

Read article on Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life

* * *

Referenced Article:

Highlighting Relatedness Promotes Prosocial Motives and Behavior

Louisa Pavey
Tobias Greitemeyer
Paul Sparks

ABSTRACT: According to self-determination theory, people have three basic psychological needs: relatedness, competence, and autonomy. Of these, the authors reasoned that relatedness need satisfaction is particularly important for promoting prosocial behavior because of the increased sense of connectedness to others that this engenders. In Experiment 1, the authors manipulated relatedness, autonomy, competence, or gave participants a neutral task, and found that highlighting relatedness led to higher interest in volunteering and intentions to volunteer relative to the other conditions. Experiment 2 found that writing about relatedness experiences promoted feelings of connectedness to others, which in turn predicted greater prosocial intentions. Experiment 3 found that relatedness manipulation participants donated significantly more money to charity than did participants given a neutral task. The results suggest that highlighting relatedness increases engagement in prosocial activities and are discussed in relation to the conflict and compatibility between individual and social outcomes.

Six-part Video Series: Final Restraining Order

2011-10-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

RestrainingOrders Information Packet

University of Minnesota

Belleruth Naparstek speaks about Post Traumatic Stress

2011-08-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

New Age Bullies

2011-07-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

"The losses people face after the narcissistic relationship ends, may inspire a spiritual journey in the hopes of gaining inner peace, restoring meaning, and discovering purpose in their lives. People may return to their religion of origin, find a new religion that better suits their life experiences. They may seek a completely new religion such as Buddhism or they may find comfort in New Age religions and thought.

Without realizing we have adopted New Age ideas into our culture, New Age systems of thought are being offered as ‘wise’ advice, even by people who might reject New Age religions. Some of these ‘ideas’ can be triggering or even re-victimizing. Certainly victims of abuse who are vulnerable to destructive self-blame, are harmed by ideas that are promoted as wisdom.

This excellent article by Julia Ingram can elevate our consciousness about repeating advice that has become so accepted we can say it is “clichéd.” If a victim has been involved in 12-step groups, they will likely be insulted by clichés, repeated ad nauseum by well-intentioned people. This article increases our empathy and restraint whether we are victims of New Age Bullies or perpetrators of hurtful clichés.” ~CZBZ

New Age Bullies

by Julia Ingram

Hannah followed New Age thinking for many years. She constructed astrology charts, worked with psychics and thought she knew something about the world. And then her 26-year-old son committed suicide. Prior to that tragedy (most bereavement counselors consider it the hardest loss to face), she believed in the adage: “Everything happens for a reason.” Hannah says, “I no longer believe that, nor do I believe I know anything about why the world works as it does.

“When people said my son died for a reason, or that he was in a better place, or worst of all, that he’d chosen to die,” said Hannah, “I was appalled and furious. It demeaned my son’s death.”

Not only did it demean her son’s death, it minimized her loss.

Hannah’s experience reminded me of a friend who underwent a severe bout of chronic fatigue. She went to see the minister of her “new thought” church, hoping to get some short-term help with shopping and housework. The minister provided less practical support: he promised to help her come to grips with the “lessons” she should learn from the illness. My friend dragged herself home and returned to her bed, feeling alone and ashamed.

During my 36 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen many clients who have been victims of people like those Hannah and my friend describe. I call them New Age Bullies — those who, sometimes with the best intentions, repeat spiritual movement shibboleths, with little understanding of how hurtful their advice can be. Some of their favorite clichés are:

It happened for a reason.

Nobody can hurt you without your consent.

I wonder why you created this illness (or experience).

It’s just your karma.

There are no accidents.

There are no victims.

There are no mistakes.

A variant of this behavior is found in the self-bullying people who blame themselves for being victims of a crime, accident, or illness and interpret such misfortunes as evidence of their personal defects or spiritual deficiencies.

I first used the term “New Age Bully” after attending a lecture in the early ‘90s. The speaker, a popular leader in the spiritual movement, recited a New Age nostrum: “We create our own reality.” A woman in the audience responded by recounting how she had taught this “fact” to her seven-year-old daughter. The child had fallen off her new bicycle and skinned her knee. When she ran crying into the house, the mother told her to sit down and think about how she had created that accident. To my shock, the speaker then led the audience in a round of applause for this woman. The message was reinforced: Even children need to learn how everything that happens to them is their own creation.

I jumped up and said, “I think the little girl needed a kiss and a band aid.” When I tried to elaborate, the lecturer cut me off. “Are you a beginner?” he asked and then told me how wrong I was. I sat down, embarrassed and confused. Only later, could I answer that question for myself: I am not a beginner, but a seven-year-old child is. And this self-appointed guru was teaching a belief, not a fact. He had bullied me that evening, and he encouraged others to do the same.

I chose the word “bully” because bullying is about power. In the aftermath of the Columbine High School tragedy, educators, law enforcement officials, and therapists began paying more attention to bullying. Mostly, they deal with malign bullying — the willful and conscious desire to hurt another person. That is bullying at its most destructive. While I have certainly seen examples of such abuse within spiritual circles, I’m also challenging those who push their beliefs on others in an overbearing, dogmatic manner, even when their advice is well-intentioned.

On the other hand, the belief that we create our own reality can be very self-empowering for some people — the psychological equivalent of moving mountains. My clients with strong beliefs that they are accountable for their own lives do much better in their recovery from psychological problems than those who stay stuck in the shame/blame cycle (of self or others.)

Classic books by holistic physicians, such as Bernie Siegel’s Love, Medicine and Miracles and Andrew Weil’sSpontaneous Healing, illustrate the value of empowering beliefs in recovering from illness. Neurologist David Perlmutter, author of the forthcoming The Better Brain Book, writes: “It is the belief that predestined reality can be modified that leads to statistically significantly better outcomes.”

Several years ago, Gen Kelsang Lingpur, now a resident teacher at the Tara Mahayana Buddhist Center in Tucson, was diagnosed with leu-kemia. At the time, she was a business executive from a Catholic background. “My first reaction,” she said, “was grief. I cried a lot and asked, ‘Why me?’ But then I thought, if I have only two years to live, I want them to mean something.”

Her quest for meaning led her to Buddhism, which, in turn, led her to a belief in karma. “I learned that everything comes from the Mind,” she recalled, “but not this [she smiled and pointed to her head] mind. Everything that happens in this life is a direct result of actions from a previous life.” Once she accepted the belief that her illness was the result of her actions in a previous life, she was able, with help from her physician, to heal through Buddhist practices.

So I asked Gen Lingpur how she applied her belief in karma when working with cancer patients. “I never say to them as a group that their cancer is a result of actions from a previous life,” she said. “I don’t know if that is their belief. That would be inappropriate.”

Her distinction is important. It is the reason why affirmations so often fail. Coming to a personally held belief is a process. For some, the insight may come in a flash but, for most of us, it takes work and experience to move from a desire to belief. It would be like skipping to the last page of an instruction manual and missing all the necessary intervening steps for proper assembly. If you are in the first chapter of recovery from childhood sexual abuse, for example, an early stage of recovery is to challenge the commonly shared belief that you somehow “caused” the abuse. This belief does not come from a position of power but from one of self-shame or blame. In my therapeutic practice, I have never seen anyone able to skip over this first task of realizing they were not to blame. Sometimes the only thing these clients are able to do in this early stage is to see that their abuser was to blame.

Some of my fellow therapists express concern that blaming others keeps the client in the victim role. While I don’t want my clients to get stuck there, if that’s what they need to do first, it can be a useful step. To tell a vulnerable client that there are no victims invariably leads them to internalize even more self-blame.

Blaming the Victim

Many people automatically and unconsciously blame themselves for being victims. Counselors who work in a battered women’s shelter or with rape victims know it is a long and arduous process for their clients to reclaim a sense of personal power. It would be utterly cruel to ask an abused woman what she did to create that experience or to suggest that she wasn’t a victim. I assume that most people reading this article would not condone such insensitivity, but there are subtler ways to blame a victim.

A client of mine was in a relationship with a man who shared her spiritual beliefs. At the beginning of our work, she described the relationship in mystical terms. However, she had severe stress symptoms as a direct result of trying to live with his eleven-year-old son who routinely screamed hateful remarks at her.

Her complaints about the boy’s out-of-control behavior and her pleas to her partner to get help for his son were met with disdain. He insisted the problem was her response to the situation. When she told him she was in emotional pain over the child’s behavior, he replied, “No one can hurt you without your permission.” The worst of the stress came from her buying into her partner’s reality — that it was her problem.

I said he sounded like a New Age Bully. He showed no compassion for her pain; he didn’t listen to her complaints or advice; and he shamed her for reacting to the child’s aggressiveness.

Once she stopped blaming herself for being upset and saw that the problem wasn’t her inability to handle whatever the child did, but her partner’s unwillingness to take her complaints seriously or show her any compassion, she ended the relationship. She was now in a place to examine the situation according to her own beliefs.

I encourage clients to carefully examine the belief that one should remain in an abusive relationship or job because of “the lessons to be learned,” as that can be a form of self-bullying.

Why New Age Bullies Do It

New Age Bullies often act from a sincere desire to be helpful. It may also be a defense. Think of a friend who has just suffered a terrible loss or someone who’s been diagnosed with a serious illness to whom you want to say something comforting. Or, someone who seems locked in a destructive pattern and you want to say something to get him to think differently or take charge of his life. The problem is, you can’t know how your words will be received. If they don’t share your beliefs, your advice won’t help. They may feel that you are blaming them or are indifferent to their feelings.

“In blaming or shaming a victim,” Gen Lingpur says of the Buddhist tradition, “you are assuming that the person knew the karma they were creating in a previous life and that they have that knowledge in the present. We don’t know. We can’t know ahead of time what the results of an action will be, nor can we remember what action created the result. It’s sometimes a problem in the Buddhist community when someone says of another’s suffering: ‘It’s just their karma.’ That statement lacks compassion.”

Psychologically, there’s another reason people blame victims. Viki Sharp, a victim advocate for 26 years, explains it this way: “People tend to blame victims because it makes them feel less vulnerable and more in control. A woman leaves her window open one night and a man comes through it and rapes her. The thinking is: ‘She was raped because of something she did — she left her window open and, since I don’t do that, I’m safe.’”

As a practice, I don’t give unsolicited advice because I can’t know for certain what another’s beliefs or vulnerabilities are. Of course, I will offer advice in the context of a therapy session or among friends whose beliefs and experiences are familiar to me.

Gen Lingpur agrees. In her role as a spiritual teacher in a Buddhist community, she finds it appropriate to introduce concepts like karma while leading her students to a deeper understanding of the spiritual belief that there are no accidents, no victims. But it’s also a question of intention, context, and the nature of the relationship. Spiritual teachings can be easily vulgarized and misapplied.

Perhaps we can all learn from what the Buddha purportedly said about belief:

“Believe nothing because a wise person said it. Believe nothing because it is generally held. Believe nothing because it is written. Believe nothing because it is said to be Divine. Believe nothing because someone else believes it. But believe only what you yourself judge to be true.”

* * *

Tucson-based psychotherapist Julia Ingram co-authored the best-selling book, The Messengers. She can be reached through her website http://www.juliaingram.com/

Are You Dating an Abuser? by Steven Stosny

2011-07-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

Dr. Stosny has an excellent blog titled, "Anger in the Age of Entitlement." You can access his blog HERE. ~CZ

Are You Dating an Abuser?

Emotional abuse, verbal abuse: The early signs.

Published on December 17, 2008

by Steven Stosny

in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever.

There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship.

More useful than a list of obvious red flags are guidelines based on very early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship, signs that are visible before an attachment bond is formed. The following is a list of qualities to look for in a potential lover. Avoid them at all costs.

Note: During the early stages of your relationship, your partner is not likely to do any of these things to you. But witnessing these attitudes and behaviors toward others is a sure sign that they will turn onto you, sooner or later.

Very Early Warning Sign #1: A Blamer

Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."

"Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?"

"You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you. Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

Very Early Warning Sign #2: Resentment

Resentment is a negative mood caused by focus on perceptions of unfairness. Resentful people feel like they are not getting the help, consideration, praise, reward, or affection they believe is due them.

Everyone has to put up with a certain amount of unfairness in life. We don't like it, but we deal with it and move on; we try to improve our situations and our experiences. The resentful waste their emotional energy by dwelling on the unfairness of others (while remaining oblivious to their own unfairness). They think (mistakenly) that they don't know how to improve their lives. They use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy.

Resentful people are so caught up in their "rights" and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others. If you fall in love with a resentful person, you will eventually become the brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel shut out and diminished in the relationship.

Very Early Warning Sign #3: Entitlement

People with a sense of entitlement believe that they deserve special consideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of others waiting in line, smoke wherever they want, drive any way they want, say anything they like, and do pretty much anything they choose.

Driven by high standards of what they should get and what other people should do for them, the entitled feel chronically disappointed and offended. So it seems only fair, from their myopic perspectives, that they get compensation for their constant frustrations. Special consideration seems like so little to ask! Here's the logic:

"It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to wait in line, too!"

"With all I have to put up with, I deserve to take a few supplies from the office."

"With the kind of day I had, you expect me to mow the lawn?"

"All the taxes I pay, and they bother me about this little deduction!"

"The way I hit the golf ball, I should get the best seat in the restaurant!"

"I'm the man; you have to cook my dinner!"

After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused.

Very Early Warning Sign #4 Superiority

Superiority is the implication, at least through body language or tone of voice, that someone is better than someone else. Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.

The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves, persons with predatory self-esteem need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Many will test high in self-esteem when they come for court-ordered treatment, while everyone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increases the self-esteem of the emotionally beaten-down spouse and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs, the predator's self-esteem invariably declines.

A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral!

Very Early Warning Sign #5: Pettiness

If he makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how his food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something.

In a love relationship, his petty attitudes and behavior will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticized and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined.

Very Early Warning Sign #6: Sarcasm

Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it's just poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. More often it is hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to undermine a perspective the sarcastic person doesn't agree with or to shake someone's confidence, just for a temporary ego gain or some strategic advantage in a negotiation.

Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management, always trying to sound smart or witty. Their tone always has at least a subtle put-down in it. In dating this will be directed at others. In a relationship, it will center on you.

Very Early Warning Sign #7: Deceit (intentional and unintentional)

Unintentional deceit happens all the time in dating, due to what I call the "dating self."

We all try to put on the best face possible in dating. Most of us will exaggerate our good qualities at least a little, if we think the other person will like us more if we were just a bit more like that. "Oh, you're religious? Well I've been feeling a bit more spiritual lately, so I'm going right home and read the Bible, or at least watch the movie version."

This kind of unintentional exaggeration is meant less to deceive than to motivate the self. The exaggerator really wants to develop qualities you like; he's just not quite there, yet.

Of course, the dating self often includes blatant deception, as in, "Oh, did I tell you that I went to Harvard?" or, "Yes, I know some rich and famous people." Deceit shows a low level of self-respect -- and respect for you -- that can only bode ill in a relationship.

Very Early Warning Sign #8: Minor Jealousy

Minor jealousy does not come off like the obvious red flag of controlling and possessive behavior. It looks more like this: He's slightly uncomfortable when you talk to or even look at another man. He might not say anything, but he looks uncomfortable.

The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actually want a tiny bit of it to know that they other person cares. (You certainly don't want to love someone who wouldn't mind at all if you slept with the entire football team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long, long way. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a huge bucket of water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationship you might develop with the jealous person and, more important, put you in harm's way.

Even minor jealousy has the potential to be harmful. Jealousy becomes dangerous once it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head. Most severe violence in relationships involves some form of jealousy.

Very Early Warning Sign #9: Rusher

I have had clients complain that their boyfriends don't pursue them or try to sweep them off their feet. I always tell them, "How lucky you are!"

Guys who go "too fast" (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of "abuse" is "that which violates personal boundaries." It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable. Make sure that any man you become interested in shows respect for your comfort-level, in all senses of the word.

Trust in Yourself

While a certain caution in dating is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting love.

Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person.

But even if you are firmly grounded in your values, it's possible to be fooled by hidden resentment, anger, or abusive tendencies in the people you date. That's because it's easy for those prone to such tendencies to put on a false dating face. Because they have a more "fluid" sense of self than most people, it's easier for them to pour it into any container they think you might like. But they can't and won't stay in a nice container once you establish a relationship. Then their resentment, anger, or abuse will emerge in full force.

Multiple-Victimization

Research shows that if a woman has been mistreated in the past, even in childhood, there's a good chance that she'll be mistreated in her next relationship as well. It's called, "multiple-victimization," and it is often misunderstood.

I have heard far too many women clients say things like, "I could walk into a room full of doctors and therapists and fall in love with the one criminal."

Or they ask with sad and bewildered eyes, "Why do I only attract resentful, angry, and abusive partners?" They wonder if they put out signals that say, "Please abuse me!" This particular misconception has even infected a few professionals who have ridiculously theorized that some women "want to be abused."

If you've experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament orpersonality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romanticfriendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart.

The following "intimacy test" can help you become more sensitive and trusting to the non-verbal signals about attachment that ultimately rise from your core value.

Intimacy Test

Can you disclose anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? ________

Is the message of your relationship, "grow, expand, create, disclose, reveal?" Or is it, "hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, feel only certain things?"

Grow___ Hide ___

Does this relationship offer both parties optimal growth? ___

Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? ___

Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from his? ___

Does he respect those differences? ___

Does he cherish you despite them? ___

Does he accept your differences without trying to change you? ___

Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? ___

Can you respect those differences? ___

Can you cherish your partner despite them? ___

Can you accept them without trying to change them? ___

A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Listen compassionately to the faint messages of your hungry heart. Then it won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive partners.

Read Commentary here: Are you Dating an Abuser?

The Narc at Midlife: Narcissistic Decompensation

2011-07-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

"The stress of aging or illness and the attendant loss of beauty, strength, or cognitive function can undermine narcissistic fantasies of invulnerability and limitless power. It may lead to an empty, depleted collapse on the one hand or a frantic search for compensatory thrill-seeking on the other, both of which are described in the classic “midlife crisis”. Later-life crises, such as one experienced on the eve of retirement, also may reflect narcissistic pathology. For example, a 62-year-old married man was referred for depression by his internist after a month-long course of fluoxetine had failed to improve his symptoms. He was a successful self-made businessman, married with grown children, but for almost a year he had experienced a general lack of zest, anhedonia, and a sense of detachment from his loving wife. His appetite and sleep were undisturbed. On closer examination, his mood was not depression but pessimism tinged with bitterness and resentment, an affective tone frequently encountered in narcissistic individuals. He was bitter that he had never pursued a dreamt-of career as a theater actor. He had a narcissistic decompensation rather than a clinical depression." ~Kernberg, Kohut and Cooper

"These individuals have a particularly difficult time with the limitations inherent in ageing; NPD has been associated with deterioration in midlife with the realization of mortality and loss of physical vitality (Wink, Costello, ed., p. 149). ...NPD depression is often precipitated by a crisis that punctures the narcissistic grandiosity and reflects the discrepancy between NPD expectations or fantasies and reality (Beck, 1990, p. 239)." ~ Dual Diagnosis and the NPD

The Narc at Midlife: Decompensation

by CZBZ

What does decompensation mean?

“Worsening psychiatric condition: the deterioration of existing psychological defenses in a patient already exhibiting pathological behavior.”

Decompensation is a removal of the props (ego defenses) sustaining an inflated self-esteem that was unable to 'compensate' for an injury of some kind. In other words, decompensation occurs when the narcissist’s grandiosity is not validated by reality; their self image is impossible to sustain. At midlife, with all the struggles human beings have, narcissists have feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, desperation, and confusion. Feelings they cannot tolerate, nor process.

Midlife taxes narcissistic defenses, challenging aging individuals to mature. People with 'undeveloped narcissistic traits' will suffer, perhaps even experience a crisis. That doesn't mean they can't grow and develop. Heinz Kohut suggests maturation is a lifelong process developing immature aspects of ourselves. That's the current thinking about a 'normal' person's midlife transition.

Then, there's the midlife narcissist. The Tragic man. The collapsible man. The man who appeared to be a shark, suddenly turning into a jelly fish. Or the goldfish turning into a shark.

Anyone who witnessed the ‘collapsible man’ (or woman), has been stunned by allegations that we were the ones who were ‘deficient, controlling, smothering, incompetent’ or any of the traits narcissists project onto other people.

The midlife narcissist is someone who cannot swallow his pride and as a result, vomits on the person closest to him or her. That would be the partner who for years, supported them through thick-and-thin, becoming increasingly weary of the narcissist’s incessant demands. It’s not that we lack empathy or become indifferent (though some do, it depends on the relationship), we are tired. Maybe there's a furrowed brow setting off the narcissist's crisis---maybe our individuation triggers their fears of abandonment or their envy. I don't know. What I do know is that partners are splattered with traits and behaviors the narcissist cannot claim as his or her own.

I started writing about narcissism on the Midlilfe Crisis forum back in 2003, after learning about a disorder called NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I had hoped my partner would work through his problems losing control, losing status, becoming another ordinary cog in the wheel of life; that he would eventually realize that escaping reality was less enjoyable than embracing it. That he would wake up one morning with a strange woman in his bed and recognize how much he loved and valued his family. That even if his wife was too weird for words, his children needed him. This did not happen. If the midlife narcissist has not shown signs of taking responsibility for behavior that hurts the people who loved and supported him for years, he likely won’t. He’s likely unable to face the destruction he caused, if he even realizes it (or is capable of bearing the truth long enough to see that HE is his biggest problem. Not the role he played in the family, nor the prickly personalities of family members).

It is never easy to tolerate the Walk of Shame when a person makes a mess of their lives. It’s painful processing ‘humiliation’ into ‘humility’ no matter where you are on the narcissistic continuum. If your unstable self-esteem is threatened by your mistakes and errors, self-deception may appear to be an easier way out. Instead of falling into supine reflection on human weakness, narcissists become grandiose, other-blaming and arrogant.

The ability to face disappointment and accept other people's willingness to forgive your mistakes is not something narcissists are capable of doing. Anytime we are forgiven by others, we surrender our power to BE FORGIVEN by another person holding the power To Forgive. They will or they won't---their forgiveness is not in our control. This is an untenable situation for a narcissist who must maintain the perception of superiority, especially if he or she sees other people as inferiors. Imagine a peon forgiving The King? Instead of appreciating someone's willingness to even consider forgiveness (which may be a long term process), the narcissist projects fault and blame others and thus, exculpating himself from guilt and remorse. What's to forgive? His malicious wife intentionally bought the wrong type of lettuce for gawd's sake what else can a man do but seek comfort from the Ms. Radicchio?

The midlife crisis with all the accompanying destruction people do to their lives when the Inner Child (or Inner Adolescent) is given free reign to act impulsively, selfishly and without consideration for others, is very hard to resolve. Depending on the degree of narcissism, the person-having-a-midlife-crisis may NOT be able to face themselves after losing ‘face’ in their community.

It takes a strong foundation of self and self-worth to admit to having harmed people you cared about because you were behaving like an petulant child. Still, people are able to reconcile wounded relationships--both parties willing. My assumption was that everyone would do whatever they must to clean up the messes they made at midlife when our human limitations stick out like sore thumbs and mortality becomes a certainty. I was wrong.

A narcissistic injury may precede the midlife narcissist’s decompensation

My partner had suffered a major insult at work. His Star Status was sullied; any idea that he would be the next CEO was shattered. His impulsivity had undermined his career plans because finally, people were unwilling to excuse his rash behavior. As others have also mentioned, my spouse was involved in a sexual harassment suit which never went anywhere. Still, the threat was there as a constant reminder of his limitations. Those darn corporations! Imagine not being able to pat your secretary's ass!

The biggest threat though, was the damage his behavior did to his family's perceptions of him as a New-Age Fabulous Man who really ‘got’ women’s predicament in the workplace.

After his ‘breakdown’ at work, verbally abusing his boss (whoa…not a great career move, there buddy!), he lost his position in the company and was granted paid leave to get himself together. Now wouldn’t you think an out-of-control person would avail themselves of psychotherapy? Wouldn’t you think a chagrined person would be grateful to a company that didn’t just FIRE his arse, but valued him enough to provide support and time while he got himself back together?

That’s not what happened, however. He was not grateful. He was resentful. I don’t believe he had the capacity to process humiliation into humility. His anger increased, becoming a frightening rage at times, so furious was he at institutions; i.e.: corporations, religions, even marriage. I tried my best to encourage him to get professional help rather than rely on me. But he wouldn’t. He refused. He preferred sitting by a stream and contemplating like Siddhartha in spandex. As if the thinking that got him in this mess would get him out of the mess.

He became more and more depressed, that much was obvious and his personality changed. He was distant and desperate, the sense of ‘rage’ beneath his smile. I was unprepared for what was to come later: I became the mother of all evils, the woman he feared would kill him, the person he saw as manipulative, hateful, and abusive. Which is preposterous. His allegations were so preposterous in fact, they kept me from internalizing his projections.

My concern for people writing about the midlife crisis is minimizing the danger of a partner who flips reality backwards and sees other people as ‘threats’ to the narcissist’s survival. For a narcissist you see, the False Self is the only self they know. When the False Self is exposed (decompensation of defensive mechanisms), it is life-threatening to a narcissist. If there is no False Self, there is no one inside…just a big dark abyss of bottomless rage and fear. He is not a superior being. Just an ordinary maN without his mask.

So when a partner confronts the midlife narcissist’s failures, she might as well be pointing a machine gun in his face. That is how he perceives his loss of ‘status’ in her eyes. It IS life-threatening to him.

Forgiveness? Yea, you are likely willing to forgive. Understanding? Yea, you are likely to understand. But narcissists need to maintain control and superiority, so your forgiveness and understanding are threats to their dominance. I remember saying to my husband, “Whatever has passed, has passed. I forgive you.” And instead of tears and gratitude he ranted, “Forgive me? I should be forgiving YOU. And I don’t!”

Bizarre. Reality turned backwards. Sadly, the people who are closest to the narcissist are the ones they hurt, destroying the relationship permanently. Would that they destroyed the False Self instead.

If you would like to read our group discussion about this article, click here:

Decompensation and Midlife

What Did You Say?

2011-04-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

“I said, "Narcissism is not healthy. It isn't funny and it isn't charming and a narcissistic personality isn't flattering on anyone. By the way dear friend, you must stop wearing that pink hat. You have an autumn, not a summer complexion."

Talking

by CZBZ

Good things happen when women talk. Miracles happen when we listen. We find out we aren’t alone, we aren’t powerless, we aren’t strange (well, maybe a little bit). We’re not disposable objects to be cherished or trashed; and we discover women aren’t our enemies. We are. We become our own worst enemy when we reduce our circle of friends and family members. This is particularly true of narcissists who demand her full attention and time. Torn between her needs and his, she frequently reduces the time spent with other people and attends to his needs instead.

Without external support as a reality check on the narcissistic relationship, women become isolated, even separated from her true self in the confusing nature of the relationship. She becomes dependent on the narcissist to meet her needs. His grandiosity increases. So does his desire for control. This fuels his superiority but reduces her self-efficacy and esteem. A woman in a narcissistic relationship needs female friendships keeping watch on a potential imbalance of power. She needs a listening ear when she dares speak of her relationship, her feelings, her intuition. With friends as allies, a woman is better able to protect her children and herself—making healthier and safer decisions because her perceptions are validated by other women.

The male narcissist utilizes manipulative tactics separating his partner from her meddlesome friends. Those meddlesome friends are threats to the goodies narcissistic men believe they are entitled to---even making demands on par with the children. Most relationships struggle with balance but the narcissistic relationship exhibits extremes. He does this by:

1-criticizing her friends and family members (blowing situations out of proportion; suggesting she’s too naive to see their ulterior motives)

2-expressing his insecurity (she doesn’t care properly for his needs and he feels sad, ignored, she doesn’t understand him anymore)

3-manipulating her guilt (she values being a good partner, a loving mother and feels guilty for hurting his feelings, or ignoring him)

4-undermining her self-confidence (he infers that he is the only person who would put up with her many flaws and he only does this because he loves her so much, effectively increasing her insecurity)

5-undermining her worth (if she can’t create a relationship with her intimate partner, she thinks, “I must not be very good at building relationships with anyone.”)

6-psychologizing her desire for friendships as immaturity, excessive neediness, mocking women talking as ‘gossip and chatter’

7-insulting women and women’s ways of being (he will say ‘she’ is different from most women. She isn’t like other women. He can’t stand women but she is ‘special’ because she isn’t like them)

Ignorant to these dysfunctional dynamics, she may sacrifice outside friendships to prove her loyalty. She does not realize she is jeopardizing her mental, emotional, and spiritual health until noticing the only person left in her life is the narcissist. She feels lonely and isolated, having disconnected from friends and family. Rather than creating the intimacy she desired, her disconnection increases the narcissist’s unhappiness, displeasure, disagreeableness, disdain. Feeling more alone than she’s ever felt, she has no witnesses to his behind-the-doors hostility. She awakens after a traumatic insult shattering her numbness and realizes that contrary to her intentions, she had sacrificed the most important friendship in her life: her relationship with herself. “Who am I?” she asks. She’s not even sure she knows anymore.

From this moment of awakening, the healing journey begins, slowly reintegrating aspects of self that had been invalidated, diminished, repressed, ridiculed and even silenced. Reclaiming personality traits and behaviors the narcissist deemed unacceptable (r she perceived to be unacceptable) may be the work of her lifetime. The healing journey is an opportunity for a woman to know her self intimately, courageously, and compassionately.

She becomes self-aware, tolerant of human fallibility, conscious of suffering, resilient to rejection, and grateful for commonality, community, and communion. She no longer seeks validation for her right to exist in the eyes of her critic. She restores her self-respect. She creates friendships with people who embrace difference as joyful, not threatening. This is the journey of self-discovery restoring meaning and purpose in her life as she emerges from her grief and loss. She restores her connections to the whole of life and because of her intimate bonds, recognizes her own worth as she recognizes the worth in others.

As Carol Gilligan writes in A Different Voice, "We know ourselves as separate only insofar as we live in connection with others, and we experience relationship only insofar as we differentiate other from self.”

Gilligan’s words sound like a paradox: we embrace our individuality through our commonality with others. We connect and separate because our friends aren’t threatened by our difference, which liberates us from the tyranny of rejection. As a woman overcomes fear of women as competitors, she becomes an individual in her own right without need of male approval for her existence.

We emerge to ourselves as to others in the crucible of friendship. We make amazingly healing connections by chatting and talking and laughing and crying together---being vulnerable together and becoming strong apart. The less frightened we are of difference, the less frightened we are of ourselves. The more friendships we build with women, the more we befriend ourselves, forging a trustworthy relationship with our selves. We become the friend we’d like to meet.

Be brave. Be you. Start talking.

“The ordinary response to atrocities is to banish them from consciousness. Certain violations of the social compact are too terrible to utter aloud: this is the meaning of the word unspeakable.” ~Judith Herman

When women talk openly with one other, they break taboos prohibiting anger, rightful ownership of 'self', her thoughts, and feelings---her right to be taken seriously---her right to tell her story, defining her existence through intimate talks in a circle of friends.

Contemporary communities are transient. We abandon hometowns in seek of fortune or opportunity. We leave friends and family behind, tradition and consistency: intrinsic connections. We are more disconnected from one another than we ever have been.

We live alone together in a technological world appealing to narcissistic wants without meeting human needs. And the more isolated we become from one another, the less familiar we are with ourselves. Women aren't chatting and washing clothes at the community wash well today, but we are chatting in cyber-groups. Our intimate conversations contain within them, the power to change our world. When one woman awakens to her power and worth as a human being, the entire world shifts. Sit still when a group of women are talking. The ground virtually shimmies beneath their feet.

"Now, what were you saying, my friend? Oh yes, I remember. You said pink hats clashed with my complexion…what color do you think looks best?"

Love to all,

An Interview with Ellie

2011-04-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

Louise Gallagher and I met in the spring of 2003. She called herself Ellie, the woman with a dog she called pooch, her constant companion and comfort. Ellie became a popular poster on the NPD forum, reminding people to Show Up and Stand Up and above all: Breath. Paying attention to our breath was Ellie's signature advice to anxious newcomers and exhausted longtimers.

Ellie continued offering her support with an inspirational blog, Recover Your Joy. She has written one book titled, The Dandelion Spirit. If you're interested in reading her book, you can purchase it from her directly: Recover Your Joy.

The following is a conversational interview between Ellie and myself in March of 2011. It was a true pleasure to speak with her on a more intimate basis. I hope everyone enjoys our discussion about trauma, healing, & recovery.

CZ: Hi Ellie. Could you briefly describe why you joined narcissism and psychopathy forums?

Ellie: Conrad was arrested May 21, 2003. I found my way to MSN's Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum two weeks later, desperate for answers, desperate to find a group of people who would accept me without saying, "What was the matter with you that you’d stay with such an azzhole?" By the way, I learned how to spell azzhole like that from you.

CZ: Nice to know I had a lasting impact on you. Please. Go on with your story.

Ellie: Well, in 1998, after ending a 3-year relationship with a man I truly loved but who was bipolar and waaay too difficult to be in relationship with, I met Conrad at a business meeting. He was charming, intelligent, distinguished and he promised me the world. Right from the get-go. All the classic signs of a man with a plan that did not include his promise to never hurt me. Because hurt me he did. He lied, cheated, deceived, contrived and convinced me to let go of all that I held dear, including my daughters.

By the end of that wild 4-year nine-month ride, I would lose my life-savings, my home, my job, my car, my self-esteem, my belief in the goodness of humankind and almost my life. I dreamt about death. Coveted the idea, the thought, the possibility of it. I wanted to be released from that living hell but believed him when he said, "You are nothing without me." When he fled the province in February 2003, he took me with him. It wouldn't be until May 21, 2003 that my daughters would hear from me again. They were 14 and 15 and I deserted them.

He was arrested May 21, 2003 at 9:14 am. I awoke the next day at my sister's home and examined the devastation of my life. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my trusty Golden Retriever, Ellie, who had gone through that living hell with me. I was broken. I was lost. I needed answers. I went to the Internet. It was there, in a forum for women and men who had been victims of psychopaths that I found my answers. I was not crazy. I was not alone. I was broken and needed to start finding the scattered pieces of my self and reclaim my identity again.

CZ: Broken and fragmented. And alone. We end our isolation and begin piecing our selves together by connecting with other people. The Internet fosters those 'human' connections but therein lies a potential problem: cultural differences. You live in Canada. Did you experience problems relating to non-Canadians?

Ellie: There were a few in the beginning. I think one of the aspects that can be challenging in an online forum is its one dimensional limitations. Also, the fact that you are dealing with people who are hurting – and sometimes, because of that one dimensional aspect, the nuances are missing. There was a German woman who tended to get huffy, really quickly – and some of that was language barriers and some was her nature. Mostly though, the common denominator of – we are all here to heal and support each other – really makes a difference.

CZ: What was the most healing aspect of message boards?

Ellie: The fact that people understood without being told what I was feeling. The fact that I didn’t have to explain what he’d done – they knew. And I didn’t feel ‘less than’, or ‘other than’, or ‘stupid’. I felt part of a community where I could belong and share my sorrow and my strengths, my fears and my hopes and be heard.

Also, I knew I could get up in the middle of the night and write if I had to. And probably, for me, the most healing thing was having a safe and healing place to write, share my love of writing and my love of words. Also, I could give – I wasn't just taking. I could help someone else and that felt good.

I had, and still have, a bit of a different outlook in some ways. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time talking about ‘what he’d done. I needed to write about what happened to me and what I was doing to create more of what I wanted in my life – for those first months in particular, I knew I wasn’t strong enough to talk about him. I couldn't spend my precious energy on thinking about what he was doing or saying or thinking. I had to think and do and say about me. Being on the forum gave me the courage to keep that focus alive for me.

CZ: What blocked healthy connections to other people, then? Were there problems unique to message boards?

Ellie: I’d have to say it was learning to trust myself – to know I have boundaries in a time when they’d pretty well been destroyed. I remember when someone ‘new’ appeared, there was always that trigger---"are they real or just trolling?" And then, there were those petty infighting incidences. The people judging me because they thought I was 'whatever they thought I was' or the misunderstandings that turned into mud-slinging.

CZ: We could talk at great length about our early experiences on message boards. Suffering people are defensive. We are defensive for good reason--most people are still IN the pathological relationship. Unfortunately, this vigilance closes our hearts to 'safe' others, too. We need time away from pathological relationships before we fully restore our sanity. I made as many or more mistakes than most, that's for sure.

Ellie: I must admit that I learned a lot about taking the high road, about not engaging in bad behavior, about not letting myself fall into the trap of taking it all personally. Great lessons.

CZ: Hard-WoN lessons, maybe? Anxiety runs high on recovery forums. If moderators are too 'fresh' in their recovery, the whole place ignites in a single afternoon! As a group, we're educating ourselves about pathology and at the same time, filtering our perceptions through defensive lenses. Which leads me to the next question: Was psychology literature useful in understanding 'your' reactions? How important was it to learn about pathology?

Ellie: To put it in context, my favourite magazine at age 13 was Psychology Today. Yeah, it’s important. I believe for me, understanding pathological relationships was vital. I needed to understand what happened to me. The science helped me accept that I was not ‘wrong’, I was a victim. And then to choose to be a victor not a victim. Psychology also helped me understand the pitfalls on the healing path. I still believe knowing myself can only happen when I am willing to be vulnerable within myself. Self-discovery is the greatest and most profound journey I will ever take! Understanding human nature gives me insights into myself.

CZ: People desire self-knowledge after learning about pathology. And today, we have a bibliotherapeutic market informing the public about pathology, recovery and self-discovery. Which books were the most useful, in your estimation?

Ellie: I read whatever I could get my hands on but… a few that stand out:

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, a fabulous read I had resisted reading before the NP relationship. Once I read it, I gave it to my eldest daughter who insisted her sister read it and then, we went out and bought several copies to give to their friends.

Love is Letting go of Fear by Jerald Jampolsky was the first book I read after he was arrested. Helped me move into a forgiving state of mind so that I could forgive myself – and accept my daughters forgiveness – so that we could heal and grow stronger.

Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare, probably the fact he was conned helped me feel less stupid! I found his descriptors and his stories very healing.

The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout was my bible for the longest time.

CZ: What did you find to be more helpful: professional books by people in the psyche field or personal narratives written by ordinary folks? That may be a leading question since you've written a book titled, "The Dandelion Spirit". Still, readers might want to know if the benefit you received from other people's narratives, inspired you to contribute your own.

Ellie: I found both very helpful. Professional books gave me evidence, personal narratives gave me context.

Hmmm...your next question about why I wrote my first book. Well, The Dandelion Spirit was more of a, "okay so I have this story that is rather bizarre and out there and I need to do something with it" thought. I am a writer, writers write best what they know, and I knew how to heal from a sociopathic relationship. I did not want to write the first half, the here's-what-happened part. But, to put my healing in context, I had to tell the story of how I fell and how far I fell and what happened to cause me to fall and become so blind to my own light. So, I told the first part and cried as I wrote the entire thing.

CZ: You cried as you wrote because writing makes our story real. Writing allows us to grieve, perhaps. It's easy to fool ourselves with little self-deceptions if we don't take notes. You know, Ellie, "Standing up for yourself" is an exercise in faith, because we're ashamed. We must believe we're worthy of our efforts even when we feel as though we aren't. Was there a pivotal moment when you realized in body, mind and spirit, that you were a WoNderful Woman of Worth?

Ellie: Truth is, I never really knew how I felt as me until after my healing journey. I mean, I always knew I was a Divine child of God, of a greater power, of the Creator, but I never really believed it. For me, that journey through hell was all about coming up against the lie that had lived within me since I was a child and been abused by my uncle – that "I am unworthy belief" I didn’t know was at the core of my angst. Conrad was my teacher. In many ways, one of the greatest teachers I ever had to bring me to this place where I embrace myself in all my beauty, warts and all, and know: I am a WoNderful Woman of Worth!

Those first six months were pretty tenuous. I knew I had received a miracle the day he was arrested and I knew I had been given a gift to live this one wild and precious life fearlessly in love with all of me. But, I was scared and frightened and still raw from the trauma. I’d have to say the feeling like myself is long ago. I feel like a new woman. Far stronger, greater, wiser, more confident and complete than I ever felt before.

CZ: I love hearing that, Ellie! I love knowing the New You is more vital and alive than ever before. Did you seek professional therapy to help you cope?

Ellie: I found a therapist right away. It took me four or five months before I even cried in front of her! I was determined not to ‘give in’ to whining. LOL – I had to whine. I had to go through the anger. I had to go through the sorrow and pain and hurt and disbelief and fear to get to peace. I just didn't want to do it in a way that was messy.

I didn’t try any particular treatment. I wrote. Constantly. And I committed to staying honest with myself. Probably the greatest gift I gave myself was going through Choices Seminars in April 2006 and then, Super Choices in 2008 and also coaching. Getting my Coaches certificate, working at a homeless shelter, giving back, all of that played a far greater role than any therapy.

CZ: Did your sociopathic relationship change your life in such a way that you have chosen to be an advocate for the homeless, those without voice?

Ellie: Absolutely.

I believe I am a far more compassionate and empathetic human being because of that relationship. I also believe that it is our shame that keeps us stuck in the sorrow and tragedy of the past. We tell ourselves, "It’s all my fault. I should have known better. I should have…" And then we hold ourselves pinioned to their wrong-doing.

My relationship with Conrad was never about Conrad. It was all about me.

And, what he did was never about me, ever. It was, and always will be, all about him.

At the shelter, there are thousands of individuals who come through our doors every year who believe, "this is the best I can do. Here is where I belong. This place called, being homeless, is all I deserve." And that’s where I call, bullsheet! Because those are the stories we tell ourselves to justify where we’re at. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to live on the street; but, because we and society have this belief system that says, "well, you asked for it, you deserve it," we keep people in their places. We keep them believing, "there’s nowhere else for me to go, nothing else I can do."

For me, it was realizing my own power through that relationship that convinced me I had to help others realize theirs by advocating on their behalf and teaching them how to advocate for themselves. Throughout that relationship, I lost my voice. I found it and want to use it to inspire others to find theirs.

CZ: So you're a fairy spreading pixie dust on people, inspiring them to believe in themselves? Our world could use an injection of compassion, nurturing, caring, caretaking, soothing and comforting one another's pain. Traditionally female traits, each of those. Do you struggle letting your feminine nature shine? And might I ask---do you have any resistance to being called a fairy?

Ellie: I love being called a fairy! I love fairytales! The subtitle of my book is, A True Life Fairytale of Love, Lies and Letting Go!

And absolutely – I struggled with letting my female traits be embodied in my true persona through everything I do and say. I remember when my eldest daughter was about ten and somebody said, “She runs like a girl.” I was taken aback – why wouldn’t she run like a girl? She is a girl? It was one of those seminal moments for me. I am a woman. Why wouldn’t I want to shine as a woman?

One of my strengths at the shelter is the fact that I am empathetic. I also know I cannot own any one else’s pain. I am not powerful enough to change their lives. I do not have the strength to carry their burdens. Nobody does. So I embody my ‘feminine’ traits of being supportive and kind and caring without submerging myself in the pain they are experiencing. I think it’s another gift from that experience – I know who I am. I don’t need anyone to approve of who I am.

I do need to approve of who I am. The best way to do that is to be true to who I am and not try to be someone else – like a man, for example.

CZ: You write inspirational messages every morning on your blog. You have a phenomenal supply of pixie dust. Extraordinary, really. But still, I have noticed that once in a very great while, your wings start drooping. And then they perk right back up again. Can you share some of your self-care secrets with the rest of the fairy brigade?

Ellie: Ah yes, giving myself medicine. Well, my wings start drooping when I start trying to lift other people’s loads. But what keeps me going?

I coach at Choices as often as I can. Being in a room where love truly is tangible in the air; where I know, without a doubt that I am absolutely accepted the way I am, and loved the way I am is sustaining.

I also believe giving is receiving. So working at the shelter fills me up. I teach self-esteem courses at the shelter as often as I can. It lifts me up to see people excited about opening up. I take long walks with my dog as often as I can. I read and I write poetry. I listen to music that soothes me. I dance – I love to dance. I meditate, every day, and go to a group meditation once a week.

I surround myself with people who are positive, supportive and kind. I have ended some not so fulfilling relationships which was a big thing for me – it’s the realization that my integrity is more important than staying ‘friends’ with someone I don’t enjoy spending time with – and it’s far more honest to end a relationship that doesn’t work than to pretend it does.

I write. Journal every night. Read books that lift me up. Watch Ted.com talks. I’m a junky. I keep myself open to expansion and in those moments where I feel myself constricting, I remind myself to BREATHE and open up to expansion.

CZ: You sound WoNderful, Louise! You have truly moved forward, in a positive way, with your life. Still, you are writing about recovery. Why is that?

Ellie: It’s important. I have a gift – like you – of writing. And, gifts are meant to be shared. My personal contract and purpose statement is: I am a radiant woman igniting joy in an enlightened world.

I can’t live my purpose if I am not sharing my wisdom and knowledge about what I know to be true for me. I can’t ignite joy if I am hiding myself in the shadows of my fear – what will people think? Or if I listen to those tapes that riddle my brain with self-censure. You know, those tapes that go, "people will think you’re conceited. They’re gonna think you think you’re better than them."

I believe we all have a light and it’s far better to share it, than to dim it. It’s a dark, dark world if we all dim our light – so, my belief is that for people like you and me who have found their light and are walking on that brilliant path of self-enlightenment, we have no other choice than to share it. It’s so bright we can’t be missed!

CZ: Enlightenment. Everybody says they want it but do they know the price they'll pay to get it? Like having your foundations ripped out from beneath your feet; your beliefs shattered; the comfort of your certainty dissipating like ice cubes in a cup of hot coffee. It is a treacherous time and must be respected as such because each of us has varying degrees of resiliency. People react differently to stress. Speaking of stress, most people have heard of the Fight-or-Flight syndrome. There's a third option to stress that women in particular are drawn towards: Tending and Befriending. It's probably fair to say both you and I were compelled to make connections with other women during our crisis. So how important is woman-to-woman support in your life now?

Ellie: My women friends are absolutely vital. I love having women I admire in my life. Women like you – someone who is smart and witty and brilliant. I believe we attract women who reflect who we are … so, I figure if you and I are friends it’s because we see each other’s light and love the brilliance we both create separately and apart and the incredible power of our light together is something I truly cherish.

My women friends, especially those who have been on a journey and are sharing their wisdom, expand my knowing. They illuminate those areas of me where I still don’t see clearly through the film of my disbelief or denial or confusion.

My women friends are the one’s who remind me to ‘get real’, to stay the course, to not opt out of tough situations, to look for the lessons and embrace the learning. My women friends are my most loving teachers. They remind me to ‘Have Fun!’ which is something I often forget!!! And, they treat me with the care and respect I deserve, the care and respect I bestow upon them as well.

CZ: Thank you, Louise. You are a very deserving recipient of The Golden Fairy Award on our new WoN Connections website. I appreciate the time you've spent speaking so candidly with me. Thank you for supporting my recovery journey.

Ellie: Thank you, CZ. You are amazing. I am so grateful to call you my friend and I'm grateful for my fairy wings, too. I think they sparkle so pretty in the light of gratitude and thanksgiving and love.

* * * * * * * * *

And that, dear readers, is Ellie, a Golden Fairy sprinkling pixie dust in cyberspace. Are you feeling inspired? Check the ground for glitter and if you see it sparkling, collect a bit for your pocket. Then share it with others.

The only rule about pixie dust is this: if you don't share it, you run out. If you do share, you'll always have enough.

If you would like to post this interview on your blog or educational website, please include the copyright and link to our website:

The WoN Connection @ wonforum.blogspot.com

Learned Helplessness

2011-04-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Behavior and Fear Conditioning

2011-04-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

A Space (Money) of your Own

2011-04-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

"Manisha Thakor is the Author of On Her Own Two Feet a modern girls guide to personal finance to save and invest wisely, achieve financial security and own your finances and your life. She has extensive experience in the financial services industry. She holds her MBA from Harvard Business School and is a CPA. On Living Smart she discusses how to live well today with the need to save and invest for tomorrow." ~Living Smart with Patricia Gras

Social Security Truths for Women

2011-04-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

"While most americans worry about the colvency of our social security plan, they don't realize the decisions they make about marriage, divorce and employment may have an even bigger impact on what they get the last years of life than how much money is in the system. Learn the truth with groundbreaking information on security." ~Living Smart with Patricia Gras

Dr. Brene Brown at "The Up Experience" Event

2011-04-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

Brene Brown shares stories about her studies on shame and vulnerability at The Up Experience event.

The Narcissistic Mother

2011-04-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

"It's about secret things. The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is." ~Chris

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
by Chris

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness (“I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)

2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn’t like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs (“Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!”) You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you’re punished for your insistence (“Since you’re old enough to date, I think you’re old enough to pay for your own clothes!”) If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your “independence.”

3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.

4. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you’ve done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): “You were always difficult” “You can be very difficult to love” “You never seemed to be able to finish anything” “You were very hard to live with” “You’re always causing trouble” “No one could put up with the things you do.” She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she’ll complain about how “no one” loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she’ll complain that “everyone” is so selfish, when you’re the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn’t like as much. She’ll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn’t - the carefully unspoken message being that you don’t matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations (“I think you read too much!”) and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations (“Uh hunh!” “You don’t say!” “Really!”). She’ll then make it clear that she didn’t listen to a word you said.

6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You’re oversensitive. You’re imagining things. You’re hysterical. You’re completely unreasonable. You’re over-reacting, like you always do. She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.

7. She’s envious. Any time you get something nice she’s angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She’ll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She’s always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They’ll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children’s marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.

8. She’s a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. To outsiders she’ll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she’s confronted with her lie. She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did. If she’s recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. Then when you talk about what she did you’ll be cut off with “I already know all about it…your mother told me... (self-justifications and lies).” Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

To you, she’ll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?” Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn’t respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she’ll start with a self-serving lie: “If I don’t take you as a dependent on my taxes I’ll lose three thousand dollars!” You refute her lie with an obvious truth: “No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You’ll only lose about eight hundred dollars.” Her response: “Isn’t that what I said?” You are now in a game with only one rule: You can’t win.

On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniably. She “guesses” that “maybe” she “might have” done something wrong. The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better. The words “I guess,” “maybe,” and “might have” are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. “While you’re up…” or its equivalent is one of their favorite phrases. You couldn’t just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you had to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you, or you had to “help” her do it, fetching and carrying for her while she made up to herself for the menial work she had to do as your mother by glorying in your attentions.

A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat. She often invites herself along where she isn’t welcome. If she visits you or you visit her, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn’t want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.

Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. (“Never get old!”) It’s almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you’ve been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don’t provide the audience and attention she’s manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer’s disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age.)

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.” Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you’re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried, She will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she’ll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you’re so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She’s feeding emotionally off your pain.

A peculiar form of this emotional vampirism combines attention-seeking behavior with a demand that the audience suffer. Since narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. She sobs and wails that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, and she doesn’t want to live, she wants to die! She wants to die! She will not seem to care how much the manipulation of their emotions and the self-pity repels other people. One weird behavior that is very common to narcissists: her dramas may also center around the tragedies of other people, often relating how much she suffered by association and trying to distress her listeners, as she cries over the horrible murder of someone she wouldn’t recognize if they had passed her on the street.

11. She’s selfish and willful. She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn’t worth all the effort she’s putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior. She will make a huge effort to get something you denied her, even if it was entirely your right to do so and even if her demand was selfish and unreasonable. If you tell her she cannot bring her friends to your party she will show up with them anyway, and she will have told them that they were invited so that you either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on your doorstep. If you tell her she can’t come over to your house tonight she’ll call your spouse and try get him or her to agree that she can, and to not say anything to you about it because it’s a “surprise.” She has to show you that you can’t tell her “no.”

One near-universal characteristic of narcissists: because they are so selfish and self-centered, they are very bad gift givers. They’ll give you hand-me-downs or market things for themselves as gifts for you (“I thought I’d give you my old bicycle and buy myself a new one!” “I know how much you love Italian food, so I’m going to take you to my favorite restaurant for your birthday!”) New gifts are often obviously cheap and are usually things that don’t suit you or that you can’t use or are a quid pro quo: if you buy her the gift she wants, she will buy you an item of your choice. She’ll make it clear that it pains her to give you anything. She may buy you a gift and get the identical item for herself, or take you shopping for a gift and get herself something nice at the same time to make herself feel better.

12. She’s self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly of her munificence in doing so and will often try to extract some sort of payment. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will effortlessly, thoughtlessly brush it aside as of no importance (It’s easy for you…/It’s different for you…).

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.

14. She terrorized. For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure. You were left hungry because “you eat too much.” (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn’t). You always went to school with stomach flu because “you don’t have a fever. You’re just trying to get out of school.” (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you’re sent to the store in them because “You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them.” (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocaine when he drilled your tooth because “he has to learn to take better care of his teeth.” (She has to pay for a filling and she’s furious at having to spend money on you.)

Narcissistic mothers also abuse by loosing others on you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist’s golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoat. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you saw. She effortlessly put the fear of Mom into you, without raising a hand.

15. She’s infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you’ll be sorry when she’s dead that you didn’t treat her better. These babyish complaints and responses may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. When you were a child, if you ask her to stop some bad behavior, she would justify it by pointing out something that you did that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. “Getting even” is a large part of her dealings with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves, or you thwart her wishes, she has to show you.
16. She’s aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she’ll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won’t take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.

17. She “parentifies.” She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn’t like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn’t buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with “Now that you’re making money, why don’t you pay for that yourself?”

She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.

18. She’s exploitative. She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing. This includes her children, of course. If she set up a bank account for you, she was trustee on the account with the right to withdraw money. As you put money into it, she took it out. She may have stolen your identity. She took you as a dependent on her income taxes so you couldn’t file independently without exposing her to criminal penalties. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. If you brought it up demanding she adhere to the agreement, she brushed you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy her again.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers from an abusive partner. The husband comes home in a drunken rage, and the mother immediately complains about the child’s bad behavior so the rage is vented on to the child. Sometimes the narcissistic mother simply uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is being divorced or having to go to work. The child is sexually molested but the mother never notices, or worse, calls the child a liar when she tells the mother about the molestation.

19. She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women’s weight and so accepts her mother’s projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn’t true. However, she will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when she feels shamed and needs to put it on her scapegoat child and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: She makes an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let her have her way. She’s enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you’ll talk about it when you’ve calmed down and are no longer hysterical.

You aren’t hysterical at all; she is, but your refusal has made her feel the shame that should have stopped her from making shameless demands in the first place. That’s intolerable. She can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused her because you’re so unreasonable. Having done that she can reassert her shamelessness and indulge her childish willfulness by turning an unequivocal refusal into a subject for further discussion. You’ll talk about it again “later” – probably when she’s worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you’re more inclined to do what she wants.

20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” “If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but I there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad.” The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.

21. Sometimes she seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings, and yet she is brilliantly sensitive to other people’s emotions. Every child of a narcissist recognizes this contradiction because narcissistic mothers do possess the ability to exercise empathy, and in abundance. Sometimes this ability also leads them to identify emotionally with people who are suffering and to express caring for them. When caring about another’s suffering interferes with something the narcissist wants, though, the caring vanishes. When a narcissistic mother wants validation, when she feels like eliciting some emotional pain, when something she wants hurts someone else, the empathy is turned off as though it never existed.

From the perspective of ability, narcissists are extremely empathetic; indeed they have a gift of telling what other people are feeling and thinking. Their skill at discerning and guiding the emotions of other people is the basis of many characteristically narcissistic interactions. Narcissists are very socially adept which is why no one ever believes their children when they complain of their mothers. They know just how to make everyone think that they’re delightful. Narcissistic mothers are exceptional manipulators, and manipulators must be extremely aware, on a moment-by-moment basis, of the emotions of their targets. If you don’t know what people are feeling, you can’t push their buttons. Their exceptional sensitivity to the feelings of others is also the wellspring of their pleasure in inflicting emotional pain through dramas and no-win scenarios. Narcissistic mothers enjoy inflicting emotional pain and they do it very well because they know just what their target children are feeling. That exquisite sensitivity is the reason they don’t need to batter. They can inflict agony without lifting a finger, so why risk exposure and waste effort with beatings when they can elicit the same emotions with words alone?

What narcissistic mothers lack is concern for the consequences of their actions, a behavior that seems rooted in profound selfishness, rather than in the absence of empathy. Mothers with NPD are certainly capable of feeling for others: they’re always feeling for the people with whom their scapegoat has conflicts. They feel for their fellow narcissists. They feel for people who have validated and praised them. They even feel for their child when it doesn’t cost them anything to do so. They just don’t feel for their child when they’re abusing him. They don’t feel anything that interferes with their absorption in their own wants and needs. Because they scour their environment for validation of their own abusiveness, they defend their fellow abusers, so they don’t have any empathy for the victims of those abusers, as the following story shows:

A four-year-old had come to school with a hand print on her face, which had been inflicted as the result of a slap by her mother’s live-in boyfriend. As a mandated reporter my mother had called the authorities, but she told me that she could understand why the boyfriend had hit the child: she was so annoying. Then she said in a dramatic tone dripping with sympathy “You should have seen the parents. They were so ashamed!” In outrage I said “What difference does that make to the child?” Her mouth dropped open and I realized she not only didn’t care at all about that poor little girl…it would never have occurred to her to care. ~Sarah

This story shows the misplaced empathy of the abuser for other abusers. There was no empathy in Chris’s mother for the actual victim. Instead it was reserved for the woman who let her boyfriend batter her child. Chris’s mother identified with the abuser, a mother like herself, afflicted with a child who didn’t meet her needs. Her empathy actually attributed virtues to her fellow abuser and faults to the victim that weren’t merited in reality. Someone who hits a small child hard enough to leave a handprint, then sends them to school, isn’t ashamed, and the personality of a four-year-old is not the fault of the child!

The selfish empathy demonstrated by narcissistic mothers contrasts with the genuine empathy shown by normal people. Sometimes a normal person will give up something they really want for themselves because they come to recognize that it will hurt another person. A narcissistic mother will relentlessly go after something she wants even if it isn’t worth the pain she has to inflict to get it.

22. She engineers “no-win” situations that leave you violated and angry and not sure why you feel that way. In the classic “no-win” scenario, the narcissist’s child is subtly manipulated into a corner and then presented with a demand that the child do something degrading, humiliating or painful in order to please the narcissist. Any response other than compliance triggers retaliation.

These sadistic scenes are a defining characteristic of the narcissist. As so often with narcissistic behavior, the payoff for your mother is the elicitation of painful emotions. Whether you subject yourself to her degradation or you fight back and provoke punishment from the narcissist, you will experience a sense of entrapment and fear, and those emotions are very satisfying to her. Her pleasure is augmented by the pain she elicits by undermining, insulting and demeaning you and, as the scene winds down, by blaming you for the entire event.

These scenes are set up very stealthily; so much so that the children of narcissists rarely realize that a trap has been laid before it’s sprung. As always, the narcissist maintains deniability, but the consistencies between scenes betray their deliberate nature. Although the narcissist plays the scene as though it was spontaneous, it never is. It is scripted and premeditated and the stage is set well in advance. If a scene plays out away from home, you can be sure that the mother is in charge of transportation so that the child doesn’t have the option of walking away. If the scene is staged at home, it’s almost always in the mother’s home, not the child’s home, and engineered so that once again, it’s extremely difficult for the child to walk away. The narcissist commonly arranges things so she is alone with her victim, but she may also use the presence of a young child or complicit spouse to ensure that her target doesn’t react angrily.

Often the worst part of these scenes for the child is the awareness of how much his mother enjoys his distress; the children of narcissistic mothers often describe their mother’s “little smile” and air of pleasure as she plays out the no-win scenario. When confronted, some narcissistic mothers will even defend their behavior by saying they were “just having fun.” There is no betrayal more wounding than knowing your own mother is reveling in the pain she purposely caused, nor any emotion more delicious to your narcissistic mother than your sense of shock and misery at your knowledge that she is hurting you deliberately and for fun.

In the following story, an adult daughter is manipulated into a no-win situation. If she does not want to provoke retaliation from her narcissistic mother, she must accept and express gratitude for a gift that was clearly meant as an insult:

A few days before Christmas, my mother walked into the room where I was sitting carrying a pair of old, worn tennis shoes – the kind with the rubber soles and canvas uppers. She said “I know you asked for a pair of running shoes for Christmas. I thought I could give you these and get myself a new pair instead.” My mother was a clothes horse, and always had many pairs of new running shoes in her closet. What’s more, her feet are bigger and narrower than mine, so there’s no way her shoes would have fit me, but I was too shocked and angry to think of that. I said “I don’t want your cast-offs!” and she looked very satisfied and pleased and said “Fine” and walked away. That year I got no gift for Christmas, even though I had bought her something from her wish list, and even though my brother and sister got gifts from her.

I did get a letter after I got home that started “I’m sorry you felt that I offered you “cast-offs” and went on to describe how good her intentions were, how she thought I would be happy to let her do something nice for herself, and how hard she had it as the mother of an “unappreciative” child like me. This wasn’t the first time either. The preceding year she had tried to give me an old, rusty bicycle for Christmas with the stipulation that she would then get herself a new one.

This story illustrates an absolutely classic no-win scenario. Although Chris did not realize it at the time, her mother had manipulated her into a corner. Chris had traveled to her mother’s house for Christmas and it was late at night. As a graduate student, Chris was perpetually short on funds, and going to a hotel, even if she could find one at that hour, was out of the question. None of the rest of the family was there yet, so Chris and her mother were alone in the house. There had been no argument or tension, and the attack by her mother came out of the blue.

Chris’s mother proposed something very insulting: she would give Chris her own worn shoes, which didn’t fit Chris and, for which gift Chris was to be “appreciative.” You would have to be very aware and self-possessed to respond calmly to such a demeaning suggestion, and Chris, tired, shocked, and angry, blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Chris’s mother got exactly what she wanted: a good feed on Chris’s hurt and anger, and an excuse to punish Chris with exclusion and withholding and later with a letter filled with guilt-inducing remonstrations.

In reality Chris’s mother never planned on giving Chris a Christmas gift. She was angry that Chris had made herself unavailable for abuse by going to graduate school in another state, and she wanted to punish Chris for her defection. So she manipulated a no-win scenario in which she could simultaneously insult Chris and turn Chris’s predictably angry response into an opportunity for punishment and narcissistic venting. In her letter, she projected her own hostility and selfishness on to Chris, blamed Chris for her own bad behavior, and depicted herself as a martyr, all the while maintaining complete deniability about the deliberate nature of the original interaction.

23. She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it. If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand – after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She’ll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can’t believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is 1) Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 2) Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 3) Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 4) Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault. 5) Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours. 6) Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down. 7) Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.

24. She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy – the most corrosive emotions – to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings’ anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. (“I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I’ll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!”) The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the troublemaking child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. She may never praise you to your face, but she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

25. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

2011-04-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

Brene Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.

Brene Brown: The Price of Invulnerability

Kathryn Schulz: On Being Wrong

2011-04-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hans Rosling: the washing machine

2011-04-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

What was the greatest invention of the industrial revolution? Hans Rosling makes the case for the washing machine. With newly designed graphics from Gapminder, Rosling shows us the magic that pops up when economic growth and electricity turn a boring wash day into an intellectual day of reading.

Helen Fisher: Science of Love & Future of Women

2011-04-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Anthropologist Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic -- love - and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. She closes with a warning about the potential disaster inherent in antidepressant abuse.

Stinking Thinking

2011-04-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Excerpted from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D.

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Over generalization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "ought's" and "have to's" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with should's and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these should's and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Excerpted from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D.

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Gray: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

Stefana Broadbent: How the Internet enables intimacy

2011-04-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

Stefana Broadbent, a cognitive scientist, has spent decades observing people as they use technology, both at home and in complex workspaces such as air-traffic control towers. She looks at the way we use our brand-new tools, and at the evolving practices for each tool (for instance, you might phone your mother, but text your spouse; IM with a co-worker, but tweet among friends) that speak volumes on the way we think about our relationships.

Using traditional and evolving ethnographic practices in her work, most recently for Swisscom and now as a Fellow at the new Digital Anthropology department at University College in London, she has made some surprising findings. Did you know, for instance, that many of us now write to our friends more often than we talk to them? Or that even the most hardened road warriors prefer to do "real" work at their own desks?

"She does not only feed you with plenty of data indicating new trends; she also goes deeper by connecting them to higher-level issues ([such as] cognitive psychology). " ~Pasta & Vinegar blog

Robert Sapolsky: the Uniqueness of Being Human

2011-04-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

On June 13, 2009, Robert Sapolsky, world renowned professor of neurology, neurological sciences, neurosurgery and biological sciences gave the class day lecture in association with commencement weekend 2009. Having been selected to talk by the Stanford University graduating class, Sapolsky spoke about the uniqueness of humans in relation to the rest of the animal world. A few of the topics he spoke on include aggression, theory of mind, the golden rule and pleasure.

Stanford University
http://www.stanford.edu

Stanford University Channel on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/stanford

Naomi Remen: The Art of Living Every Minute of Your Life

2011-04-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

Explore measures that can be taken to not only live longer but also live better with Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, an early pioneer in the mind/body holistic health movement. Series: UCSF Mini Medical School for the Public

Richard Harvey: Bio-feedback, Self-mastery Beyond Pills

2011-04-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Stress is ubiquitous and on the rise. How we learn to manage it can have profound effects on our health and well being. This series explains how our bodies experience stress and demonstrates effective strategies to help you thrive in a fast-paced world. On this edition, Richard Harvey discusses strategies to reduce stress beyond medication. Series: "UCSF Mini Medical School for the Public"